McGruff Does Nice Work

A kinder, gentler University Police disclosed the "Campus Crime Statistics Act," informing the masses of all rabble-rousing behavior this year. In 1999, only 15 liquor violations and only five drug law violations resulted in arrests, dropping from 56 and 14 respectively. But don't be fooled. This may have been due to the new referral policy, where NU administrators take the law into their own hands.

Out of the 122 liquor law violations on campus in 1999, 88 percent resulted in a referral rather than an arrest. Similarly, 16 drug referrals - 76 percent of all drug violations - crossed the desks of these modern-day Wyatt Earps.

In other notable news, Evanston's campus had more theft and more non-forced burglary, but disorderly conduct went down. Police attribute the increase in theft and burglary to Mayor McCheese's soft stance on crime concerning long-time rival, the Hamburglar.

Tangled up in Purple

Following the extremely inefficient ticket sales fiasco, the legendary Bob Dylan sold out the expansive McGaw Hall in no time flat. Now we know why A&O needed more money; a fat paycheck for Bobby D., another one for the paramedics who'll resuscitate him after the show's end. In related music news, rumors circulating around the mill have Dr. Funkenstein George Clinton landing his ship at Patten Gym in mid-November. Now we know why A&O needed more money; a fat paycheck for George and another one for the janitors who'll clean the vomit off his face, clothes, floor, etc. Send musical suggestions (or pictures of vomit) to A&O concert director Josh Pool at j-pool@northwestern.edu.

Alcoholic Students Gain

So those party guys over at ASG wannabring back tailgates at the stadium. In a recent proposal, President Adam Humannand his associates requested a trial run for the last two home games of theseason, in which students 21 and over would recreate the glory days of drunkenpre-pubescent Evanstonians. Not surprisingly, administrators accused the proposalof lacking a sufficient plan for curbing underage drinking. To this, ASGresponded: "Up your nose with a rubber hose, Mr. Woodman. Wha? Where?"

Ladybugs Not So Lady-like

What's the deal with all of these ladybugs? And what's the deal with GrapeNuts? No grapes. No nuts. But seriously folks, these unsuspecting little crittershave crossed the line, swarming around frightened students like the University ofArizona's mid-90s defense. Last time we saw so many ladybugs, the Lester- andMary-less Jackee was whoring around a soccer field and Jonathan Brandis wasdressed like a schoolgirl. And that was last week.

Red, White, and Bienen...Happy Anniversary

The Northwestern world stopped in its tracks for its Sesquicentennial - that'sthe hundred and fifty - celebrating a century and a half of general apathy anddisheartened community. In a questionable move, classes after 2 p.m. on Friday,Oct. 20, were canceled, raising eyebrows from supporters of the movement to getclasses canceled for Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. The move also drew firefrom other groups, who wished the same fate for Columbus Day, Veteran's Day,Arbor Day, Liberace's birthday, and Bastille Day in the summer session.

Random Thought of the Issue

In the wake of the recent success of ESPN Classic, you'd figure other mediamoguls would capitalize on the appeal of re-airing vaulted footage. When thepending NUComment/AOL/Time Warner merger goes public, we're prepared to launchthe latest "classic" network: O.J. ChaseTV, which is set it air - on a 24-hourloop - a tape of the infamous runaway Bronco carrying the infamous runaway Bill.It came six years before Tivo, so we're replaying it for you. Other ideas indevelopment: The Colonoscopy Network; Monkeys, Monkees, Monks Channel; UniversityPlace Channel; and finally, taking Lifetime off the air.