You can’t Panhandle the Truth Here

First it was Artie, the Scottish-speaking street cleaner. Now with the enactment of the panhandling law, Evanston’s avenues have never been cleaner. The month-old edict that wiped most areas clear of beggars, pimps, and general rabble-rousers, has led to a few unexpected arrests. Shortly after its approval by the Evanston City Council, bill proponent and Alderman Arthur Newman was picked up by Northwestern Police on repeated counts of panhandling outside President Bienen's office, his car, and his home. Bienen was quoted as saying only, "Newman."

The Old Men and the Seats

The McCain-Feingold Town Hall meeting drew hundreds of people to Fisk Hall on February 12. And like anything in politics, there was a problem. Many NU students were shut out of the lecture series due to the influx of elderly citizens looking to catch a glimpse of the foxy silver fox that is John McCain. Taking time out of their busy schedule of quilting and dribbling, a good number of the elderly folks who attended the event said they enjoyed the session. A small portion of the group responded by saying that “they couldn’t hear so good.” Others had no clue where they were, and a few people thought I was their grandson, so I asked them for $50 and took off.

Hand Caught in the Pencil Jar

The rush to get a comment from the Medill graduate student who allegedly misreported and fabricated numerous stories was on this past month, with local and national media outlets converging in Chicago. NUComment had an “in” with the student and sat down with him for a lengthy interview this past week.

He told us that the idea came to him in a dream, personified through the images of Rudy Huxtable and Dirk Benedict, better known as Face from The A-Team. According to the student, the Huxtable kid told him to “just make that shit up, dog,” and Face had no objections with her sage advice. His stories were discovered to be fictional when an editor questioned his latest feature about two rival politicians named Bofa Deesnutz and Adolph Oliver Nipples. Actually that part checked out, it was that crap about Bea Arthur being a female that did him in.

I’ve Senior Gifts and I Don’t Like ‘Em

‘Tis better to give than to receive, they say. Unless, of course, the gift is one of the top three choices for this year’s Senior Gift to the school. The committee has narrowed it down to these three: a swinging bench overlooking the North SPAC beach, a giant swing behind Norris, or new gel for the clock tower. Come again? Our choices range from gel to a swing to a swing in another place? How 'bout a flaming bag of poo?

Random Thoughts of This Issue

In a recent press release from NU, the school’s applications dropped 5 percent from last year, 17 percent from the 1997 application peak. The freshman class of 2005 will still be filled, administrators said, but there will be less nerds and geeks to choose from. The pool of dweebs and weirdos has been steady for years…Another release said that NU graduates 92 percent of its student-athletes and 88 percent of its African American student-athletes. A subsequent release noted that the school's basketball team is currently 1-32 in its last 33 Big Ten games ... A student pulled a Steve Sanders, 90210-style break-in to a professor’s office this week to change a grade on her computer. Instead of the legacy key, the student crowbarred his way into the office and was caught when the professor’s hard copy showed some changed grades. His actions were understandable, considering the tremendous pressure placed upon him by Dylan's coma, Donna passing out at the Prom and that bitch Valerie moving in from Buffalo.