by Slade Sohmer

Like a hooker on heroin, I’m just sitting here with my feet up in the air and a shit-eating grin on my face. You see, over December break I secured a job for my post-graduate autumn; years and years of joining all those clubs and hanging out upstairs in Norris have returned huge dividends after all, exactly like those motivational best-sellers said they would.

Countless hours spent picketing for Alianza, dancing the Charleston, and doing the Triple Lindy for the diving team snowballed into a loaded activities section on my do-gooder resume. If you know me, you know I like to celebrate the out-of-class experience, do my part to promote a vibrant campus life. Without this overwhelming sense of Gallantism in this Goofus world, I may as well be sitting on my couch watching The Mole with a bag of Funyans in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other.

While laziness and self-regard have turned this once-activist campus into a cesspool of dormancy, isn’t it nice to know there are dedicated people like me around? You know, the ones who try to make something more of their trite a trivial existences, the ones who spread themselves too thin no matter what the cost.

That’s me, the guy singing alto in the a capella group and answering physics questions on the Quiz Bowl team, all in the hopes that an interview might turn up something fruitful down the road. And it did. I am now among the ranks of the employed, taking effect in September of course.

I’m the guy setting up kick-ass shows for A&O Productions, like that dope Fat Amy and Dovetail Joint show a few years back. Yeah, that was me. I’m the guy setting up functions for the Singaporean and Friends club, like the big campus caning I ran last year. Although genetic makeup has no Singaporean in it, I do fit right in to the “friends” category of the group. I fit right in.

Any potential employer who sees card-carrying member of the Student Blood Services on a resume instantly thinks highly of the applicant. I mean, who doesn’t like blood? Everyone likes blood. And who doesn’t have blood? Just about everybody has it, except maybe for Abe Vigoda, whose blood clearly evaporated sometime after his 231st birthday. Clearly.

Nothing says “people person” in an interview more than “theater guy.” Just about every program for every campus production has my name on it, being a member of so many theater outfits and all. With the Titanic Players, I played Ponch in their masterful yet controversial production of ChiPs, written for the stage by Eric Estrada himself. After a brief stint with Dolphin Show, I left their production of Flipper over a contract dispute to play Knife in WAVE’s production of Back to the Beach.

But I don’t like to emphasize the theater part of my life, I’d rather focus on the more goal-oriented groups to which I belong. In all my interviews, I stressed just how much it meant to me to be a member of both the College Democrats and College Republicans. In this age of bi-partisanship and Congressional gridlock, it makes sense to play all angles and cover all the bases. It’s quite fun, too, imagining what life would be like if one of us gets to be President in 20 years. “Ohmigod, ohmigod, shotgun Secretary of the Interior if you win,” we all joke and laugh and joke for hours.

Because my overbearing parents think all of this is still not enough, I went to NU’s home page to find some more exciting clubs I can join. So many these days, it would almost be impossible to choose. Should I become a member of Oasis, which I think is a constant analysis of “Wonder Wall?” Or maybe Purple Haze, which I heard is a horticultural society going down at the Co-op? What about Justice for All, which has so many jokes attached to it that it would be criminal to attempt such an act?

Well, maybe I’ll just ride out the rest of my collegiate career off into the sunset. I’ve paid my dues, I’ve secured my job, so maybe it is time to kick my shoes off, stick a cigar in Monica Lewinsky and light it up. Besides, I’ve got a thrice-annual online magazine to run here, which is more than just slacking off for a while than working real hard to put it together.

So to all of you underclassmen who want high-salaries and secure jobs when you graduate from this institution of higher learning, get out there and do some good.

Or call your brother and ask him if there’s a desk open next to his at the place where he works. That’s what I did.

Slade Sohmer does not have an accurate recollection of his past. He can be reached at sladeny@yahoo.com.