Losing Her Faith in Liberty

Reagan-Era British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher gratuitously lauded American values during her Oct. 20 speech to the Junior League of Evanston-North Shore at NU's Cahn Auditorium. "America is still the shining city on the hill," Thatcher said. "Your faith in liberty offers others hope." Thatcher's loving sentiments for the stars and stripes were quickly tarnished later that day, however, when she and cronies concluded a raucous pub visit to Coaches' Cafe only to find their fleet of Minis towed from the neighboring Burger King parking lot. "Bloody hell, you go out on the piss for a couple of hours in this town ... these same dicks put a boot on Churchill's pickup at the Chicky Shack on Ridge in '47. Liberty. And are you looking at my tits?"

NU Researcher Brims with Discoveries, Gibberish

Ol' Teepu Siddique, M.D. is back in the news again: The NU medical researcher identified a second gene for Lou Gehrig's disease, or ALS, according to an announcement made by the University on Oct. 3. Although Siddique's words in the release amounted to nothing more than a serving of unintelligible geek-speak:
"Elucidation of protein partners interacting with alsin may inform us of basic mechanisms underlying neuronal degeneration. Identification of crucial players in this pathway may serve as therapeutic targets,"
his colleagues apparently spent days dissuading the socially inept researcher from reciting Gehrig's legendary "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man ..." speech in his favorite pinstriped labcoat.

Refilled A&O Primes for Bigger Fuck-up

In a bold move last week, ASG awarded A&O Productions a large last-minute bounty for a winter 2002 concert. The arts production empire had previously been denied funding for the fall/winter season, but this gift was easily justified in the wake of their $76,000 Dillo Day debacle. Having yet to schedule a band, this appears to be A&O's last chance to nab Guster before all the cheesedicks who like 'em graduate. Or they could just reel in Dickey and his Bosstones again for a skankin' outdoor gig scheduled during the always accommodating, always temperate mid-January blizzard season.

NU Enrollment Drops, Again

Have you heard the new Bush long-player? The shit's cold! That bitch Gwen was just holdin' Gav down, you could just tell! I told you it would be this good! And, no kidding - here, listen to this, man - five cuts sound better than "Glycerine"!