Editor's Note: In lieu of our NUNet column, we've enlisted the services of Chef Bageldog to provide support for NU's mass of incompetent amateur cooks. Although he's a goofy bastard, Bageldog is a renowned cook.

This is Chef Bageldog slicing and dicing on the one and two's, taking a quick dinner break to fix some fixin's that'll make a dog's saliva dirty. I'm comin' to ya live from the big kitchen at 1611, creatin' phat meals that'll make ya squeal. To all the sucka dj's out there that can't cook, no phase, it's all good. Give me the opportunity to make it easy-er for ya. Though Chef Bageldog isn't Italian (San Franciscan by nurture), he can cook a mean chicken parmesan and a quick homemade tomato sauce that puts the "Damn" back in tasty.

Recipe No. 1: Bageldog's Tomato Sauce

This simple tomato sauce will bring smiles to anyone's lips when you tell 'em it was made from scratch. Spice it any way you like, but if you want to add ground beef or chicken, cook the meat separately and add to sauce before simmering. Note: If you think the sauce tastes too acidic, place half of a whole carrot in your sauce when you add the tomatoes and remove it before serving.

Ingredients:

Olive oil
1 small-medium yellow onion, diced
1-2 cloves of garlic
1 16-oz. can whole peeled tomatoes
Dried parsley
Crushed red pepper flakes.
Sugar Salt and pepper to taste

Step 1: Adjust flame to medium heat on a medium saucepan or sautépan. Once pan is hot, add olive oil to coat surface and then add the diced onion. I like to chop my onion rather finely. Regardless, attempt to cut pieces the same size in order to ensure even cooking. Sauté for a minute, then add garlic. Sweat onions and garlic until lightly golden and translucent. This should take about 5-7 minutes, depending on thickness.

Step 2: In a separate mixing bowl, crush canned tomatoes with your hand. Add to saucepan and continue cooking for 3 minutes at medium heat. It's generally correct, when cooking tomatoes for a short period of time, to add salt right when they hit the pan in order to release their juices and some of the acidity.

Step 3: Reduce heat to simmer. Add salt and pepper to taste, a heaping spoonful of dried parsley and, depending on your tolerance, the crushed red pepper flakes. Cook for 10-15 minutes. Taste again. Add sugar if necessary to sweeten and balance acidity. Serves 3-4 people with 1 pound of pasta.

Recipe No. 2: Bageldog's Chicken Parmesan

Ingredients:

2 skinless, boneless chicken cutlets
2 extra-large eggs
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup bread crumbs
Mozzarella cheese
Bageldog's Homemade Tomato Sauce (or store-bought tomato sauce)
Salt and pepper
Olive oil

Step 1: Preheat oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit. When preparing chicken it's always important to wash the meat in cold water beforehand. The cutlets need to be pounded to prepare them for seasoning. Flattening the chicken tenderizes the meat and allows for quick and even stove-top frying. To flatten chicken, place washed breast in between two sheets of waxed paper (substitute plastic wrap) and pound between 1 and 1 1/2 inch thick. Try to make it even. Use a heavy frying pan for pounding if nothing else is available. Set breasts aside.

Step 2: Prepare three large plates for dipping your breasts: One plate for flour, a second for egg and a third for bread crumbs. Season each plate with salt and pepper. Whisk eggs briefly to scramble. In order to prevent ingredients from mixing, use one hand for the wet ingredients and the other for the dry. With one hand, place chicken in flour until both sides are coated, then remove excess and place in egg wash. With the other hand, coat chicken with egg wash, then place in bread crumbs. Returning to the dry hand, fully coat the chicken with bread crumbs and set aside. Repeat process for each breast.

Step 3: Heat a medium-sized frying pan to medium/high heat. Coat the bottom of the pan liberally with olive oil. Place chicken breast in pan and cook for 2-3 minutes or until golden and crisp. Flip and cook on other side for another 2 minutes. Set aside. Avoid cluttering your frying pan - it will lose heat and chicken will become soggy instead of crisp.

Step 4: Place chicken on sheet pan or oven tray. Cover with Bageldog's Tomato Sauce and then grated mozzarella cheese. Place in oven for 10 minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbling. Remove and eat.

Chef Bageldog's beats are harder to stomach. You can reach him at z-weinstein@nortwhestern.edu.