by Slade Sohmer

Something was rotten in the state of baseball a few weeks ago. The first round of the playoffs featured a handful of games televised on the Fox Family Channel, which as a network sounds as oxymoronic as the ESPN Pansy Channel. The decision to air games on Fox's step-channel caught heat from fans all over the country who didn't get the network with their basic cable package.

I, on the other hand, applaud the decision. During one of the commercials, I serendipitously caught an in-house ad for that new Olsen Twins show on Fox Family. So I couldn't resist and just had to tune in, regardless of what the show was called. And man, these girls have really, um, blossomed.

I couldn't believe my eyes. That little monkey-baby on Full House that used to say "ous cream" was not only hot now, but she turned out to be TWO bangable beauties. C'mon, get those Olsen girls to a Maxim photo shoot or make them dance for quarters in a booth somewhere. Just steal 'em away from that goody-goody Danny Tanner and get them to Hef and Flynt pronto.

There will be no lessons learned today about reading D.J.'s diary or how mommy would want daddy to date again, just encouragement to get out there and get noticed. Girls, your day has come, and it's time to follow in Jessie Spano's shoes and make the next version of Showgirls. Man, a Skin-emax or soft-core video of them ... you know ... would generate millions for the failing economy.

Later, I kind of realized that this made me a friggin' pervert and that I should never vocalize these thoughts to anyone. But you know what, you're all thinking it too. At least all the guys out there are thinking it. And then I thought about the sexually-devious nature of our favorite stars like Pee Wee Herman and Hugh Grant, Eddie Murphy with that male cross dresser and Richard Gere with that male gerbil. I mean, Marv Albert is a back-biting, panty-wearing toupeed freak, and he's still a respected announcer for countless high-profile NBA games.

As Marv Albert crossed my mind, I started thinking about the NBA and how amazing it was that 5-foot-7 Spud Webb won a f$%#in' slam dunk contest; I'm like an inch taller than him and I'm not even close to the rim. NU's own 7-footer Evan Eschmeyer could barely dunk. The guy needed two hands and full extension to do it, and it was so difficult that he made that Esch Dunking Face when he slammed it home. They should build a big f$%#in' statue of Mr. Webb, an enormous statue that symbolizes the large man inside of all the small people - an erection so large that it makes Long Dong Silver look like a small Jewish boy swimming in the Arctic.

As Long Dong Silver and the porn industry crossed my mind, my thoughts drifted back to those cute little Olsen twins. I guess it all comes back to that. ... Thanks, Fox Family.

Slade Sohmer refuses to admit that David Justice is a douchebag. You can reach Slade at sladeny@yahoo.com.