Forget Northwestern's point-shaving scandal. Forget Ray Lewis' trial and Rae Carruth's conviction. I'm asking you to forget the Browns' move to Baltimore, the entire 1986 NBA draft, John Rocker, Leon Lett, and even Marge Schott.

It’s time to close that chapter and start on a new one. We've entered a new era of athletic absurdity, a wide world of sports ridiculousness. And to commemorate the dawning of a brand new day, I am here to dole out the first annual Doc & Darryl Awards. Now, onto the show:

The Billy Crystals Award
And the winner is...Former National League MVP Ken Caminiti. Police recently busted into the third baseman's hotel room to find him and two other men high on crack. Ah yes, Crack, breakfast of champions. Not only is this guy a professional athlete, he's 38 years old. Perhaps a joint here and there, but as you approach 40, are you really thinking crack is the right decision? Plus, Caminiti didn't even have his very own crackwhore, like Kevin Stevens during his hotel-room arrest for crack two years ago. How can you sit there and call it a full crack experience without the paid sex? If something's worth doing, it's worth doing right.

The At Least It's Not Crack Award
And the winner is…Nate Newton. In a category loaded with deserving nominees like Lamar Odom, some Eagles, some Browns, and Terry Glenn, it's the former Cowboys' offensive lineman that wins it in a landslide. Police pulled Newton and some friends over for a routine traffic stop, and upon a legal search and seizure, found their van contained 213 pounds of marijuana. If you're having trouble comprehending just how much ganja that is, let me break it down like this. The van - which I can only assume looked like the A-Team's and was driven by B.A. Baracus - was hauling 3,408 ounces of dope. That's 95,424 grams for sale, and assuming they sold at $20 apiece, that comes to a whopping $1.9 million market value. Not a bad salary for an offensive lineman. But this situation has me clamoring for the old times, those days of virtue when guys like Bam Morris would get caught trafficking a mere 100 pounds.

The Maternity Award
And the winner is…Major League Baseball. Commissioner Bud Selig and the owners decided shortly after the World Series to eliminate two professional teams. In the first sports contraction since Steffi Graf gave birth to Andre Agassi's baby, the league will most likely not open for business in Minnesota and Montreal come next season. (Incidentally, the odds on the Graf/Agassi lovechild to win Wimbledon in the future are currently 500-1 in Vegas, 1000-1 that he'll be Chancellor of Germany. No joke.) Contracting Montreal we understand – there, more people come out to see Celine Dion than the dismal Expos. But why shut down the Twins? If this state can come out in droves to elect Jesse Ventura as governor, then surely they'll come out to see some baseball games. Instead, Selig should go after one or both of the Florida teams; after the election debacle and teaching some of those terrorists how to fly, I say we take some shit away from Florida and make them think about what they've done.

The Prince/Artist/Whatever Award
And the winner is…ShopRite. This east-coast supermarket chain donated $100K to a New Jersey elementary school last week in exchange for the naming rights to their gymnasium. Is this where they house the National Fuckin’ Dodgeball Finals or something? C’mon, this is the most unjustified, unnecessary deal in sports business thus far; just donate the money to the school and ride off like the humble hero. And it’s not like these arena christenings are paying off. 3Com has decided to end its brief lease on Candlestick Park and CMGI’s stock has plummeted to about a buck and a quarter since tagging Foxboro Stadium. Houston may be losing the Enron in Enron Field after the energy company files for bankruptcy. Recently listed as the No. 7 company on the Fortune 500, $69 billion Enron may not be able to afford the relatively small fee. So maybe we won’t see the Sears Expressway, Insight.com I-94, or Federal Express Presents Michigan Avenue after all. May the trend cease, and may ShopRite be accused of packaging faulty meat products and selling moldy breads.

Since I’m just flat out tired of giving awards, I’ll end with a brief closer. How fitting is it that Northwestern football collapses as Gary Barnett and Colorado race for the BCS and the Big XII title? Barnett’s star running back, NU transfer Chris Brown, ran for nine touchdowns and nearly 400 yards in wins over highly-ranked Nebraska and Texas. But the dagger in the heart: after beating Nebraska at home, it took the student body no more than a minute to rip down the nearside goalpost. One goddamn minute and we couldn’t even budge ours after the Michigan win last year. Wounds: apply salt now.

Slade Sohmer is having second thoughts about his career. You can reach him at sladeny@yahoo.com.

Back to the top of the article