EAST COAST/WEST COAST RIVALS

There, the mountains and the ocean collide, and you live in a houseboat two rights off the Golden Gate Bridge, Marin County side. Or maybe your house sits on a hill in the city, overlooking that very houseboat, miles away in the foggy distance. Or perhaps both houses are yours, because dad did well in the world. Here, in the land of manifest destiny, anyone can succeed. “Frederick my friend, can’t talk long, but you must find your way here. You must! I swear it’s like, it’s like heaven. And so much opportunity! No job market, but so much opportunity!”

Oh, the eternal blessings of this coastal fairyland, this Northern California. Why go elsewhere when life here is so easy? In the SFC, and up 'n' down the NoCal coast, drink wine and mountain bike on Saturday or Sunday, surf year-round, head off to the ski slopes…and make it home for dinner! Picnic in a treasured San Francisco park, munch on tasty produce, dance savagely with the nomadic hand drummers.

NU's Cali cats often muse over California’s many virtues in the hopes of hiding their homesickness. The blokes’ sorrows often surface in meaningless everyday discussion, their words marked by a trembling lack of resolve: “In Illinois, yes, there are avocados, but they’re really just not the same.”

Outgoing NU undergrads of NoCal descent, some of the best friends a boy could have, why are they so discontent with what they see? Why should they deride the nature of real Midwestern, real American realities? You just want to shake ‘em. Shake shake shake ‘em and say:

“Bricks and stones are commonplace ‘round here, and everywhere else, my friends, they do not crumble so easily where fault lines and plate tectonics do not apply. Places are not necessarily 'broke' or 'whack' because they’re inclement and flat. People unexposed to such serene majesty, they do not necessarily lack experience, or deserve disapproval. What does 'hella' mean? I do not know, but it sounds 'hella tight,' whatever it may be.”

The NU Cali Cat frequently wonders whether or not there’s really even a point to the rest of the U.S., save a few “dope-ass special spotlets here and there, like the Badlands.” As you should guess, he'll return home, post-grad, on account of California’s limitless palette of “fun-as-fuck” offerings.

Now, if you grew up on the Upper East or West side, cluttered amongst millions of others in a small, small space, San Francisco may well be a privileged New York City cat’s secret dream – “Yeah, I like it, it’s chic, it’s cool, it’s the most European city we’s gots. But, you know, I just lose myself if I’m out of the city for, like, five days, so I shouldn’t even think of living in the Bay, now should I.”

On the subject of the Midwestern metropolis, however, their enthusiasm quickly fades. I once heard a Lodge brother say, “Yo, it's funny how NU kids use the term ‘city’ for, like, Chicago.” Oh how that righteous dairy air pollutes Lake Michigan’s crystal waters.

Seriously, NU's purebred, privileged NYC kids view college in Evanston, Ill., like a four-year summer camp – “academia, intelligentsia in relatively rural environs, a brief breath of fresh air.” Mouths agape at the sight of open land, some city kids assume everyone here owns one farm animal; they fear they'll be scolded for their advocacy of cock-fighting. And since all the local girls have been raised among the farm animals, the female fare is simply too homely to admire.

But the NYC women … There is nothin’ like a New York City girl, nothin’, man. Though you may know her well, have you gotten inside her head? Not to assume or accuse, but she’s spent the course of your relationship quietly pondering the more superficial reasons as to why “this thing” won’t work in the long-term. A sampling for educational purposes: “‘'Cause he’s from Iowa and I’m not, an then it wouldn’t be perfect because he’s not from, like, some great place, which means I’d have to spend every other Thanksgiving in Dubuque, Iowa.”

They’re every bit as endearing. Cosmopolitan, but really cultured?

- David Bartholow

At 7/14/03 6:03 PM,

Susan Daker (s-daker@northwestern.edu) wrote:

i find these vignettes very funny, especially this one since im from chicago and on an internship in Dubuque Iowa right now. too bad i didn't read this sooner.

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Redefining the NU Stereotypes
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