Searching for a Pink Panacea

In an effort to combat an outbreak of conjunctivitis, better known as “pink eye,” the NU Health Service sent out a campus-wide e-mail alert earlier this month. Selflessly, the Evanston Public Health Department listed its phone number and Web site in NU’s e-mail, attempting to quarantine the virus “far away from my damn kids, my home, and my car,” one resident said. The germophobic city has even gone to the lengths of co-sponsoring an online survey with the university.

It's great to finally see Evanston lend a hand to NU students in need. But isn't this a wonderful opportunity to give something back to the community, to finally contribute NU's Fair Share? So rub your eyes and go, go touch hundreds of doorknobs in non-student residential neighborhoods, shake hands with an alderman, or coach a Little League game.

In a strangely unrelated story…All the men on campus sent out a pretty personal campus-wide e-mail to all female students, in an effort to combat an outbreak of testesitis, better known as “blue balls.”

D&D to Get Wet, Get Even Finer

D&D Finer Foods, 825 Noyes St., is the latest business to capitalize on Evanston's newly relaxed alcohol regulations. On June 1 the market will become north campus’ closest vendor of alcoholic beverages, stocking its shelves with beer and wine. D&D is only .4 miles from the fraternity quads, while current suppliers Evanston First Liquors and Osco Liquors are 1.3 and 1.1 miles away, respectively. North campus should rejoice at the prospect of a 12-pack for sale within walking distance of Bobb Hall, but D&D regulars are already expressing apprehension about George, the store's deli-counter Nazi, being so close to the booze. “You want pickle?”

Yao vs. the Wildcats?

7-foot-5-inch Chinese center Yao Ming has been the focal point of NBA Draft banter after participating in a closed workout for NBA teams and media at Chicago's Loyola University on May 1. Ming will likely be chosen in June by either the Houston Rockets or the Chicago Bulls, who received the first and second picks, respectively, in Sunday's NBA Draft Lottery.

But did you know that the half-prodigy, half-circus freak could have made his U.S. debut in the Big Ten instead? According to Mike Lucas, a columnist for The Capital Times in Madison, Wis., the University of Wisconsin took a look at a 16-year-old Ming back in 1997. The university found the recruiting process difficult, though, and speculated that he might not be “good enough to play in the Big Ten.”

NUcomment has learned that the real problem between Ming and Wisconsin was contractual. China’s government will receive a large percentage of the big man’s NBA salary; but since college athletes are not paid, the state bargained hard for half of the young, wasted, black-pants-clad, State Street hotties that would throw themselves at Ming nightly. The university would not agree to those demands.

SodexhoUSA: Champions of Animal Rights

Campus animal activist group Justice For All was instrumental in SodexhoUSA's recent addition of vegan items to the menus of campus dining halls. “It's good that they're improving food service for everyone, not just the mainstream,” Speech sophomore Shalonda Scott said in The Daily.

Sargent dining hall currently leads the animal-conscious cause, offering a separate serving line devoted to vegetarian and vegan items (mainstream eaters are likely still searching for Scott's alleged improvements). Justice For All has successfully petitioned SodexhoUSA for a number of recent dining hall improvements, including a 1998 campaign that replaced all dining hall-issue rat flesh with genetically-engineered, great-tasting, less-filling tofu rat flesh.

NUcomment's news briefs are collected by its editorial board. Each blurb is grounded in reality.

Back to the top of the article