by Slade Sohmer

If I were Asia, I’d be pissed.

While all the world really is a stage for the Bushes and the Blixes and the Blairs, Asia is storming around like a sugar-filled toddler, screaming madly for attention, but it just can’t get no love.

I mean, sure, Afghanistan had its moment in the sun. Even the India-Pakistan dispute commanded international front-page headlines for a while. But that whole region is craaazy right now, and nobody’s even talking about it. I say we scrap this inevitable invasion of Iraq, transplant all front-line journalists in Baghdad over to Asia and set up a Truman Show on that motherfucker.

China may be the largest country in size and population, but North Korea captains this continent of crazy. First, in a surprise announcement last October – one that only could have been brought on by an acute case of Tourette’s Syndrome – N. Korea blurted out an unprovoked “We’re developing secret nuclear missiles and expelling your weapons inspectors fuck-your-yankee-blue-jeans ahhhhh.”

The spotlight faded and the world once again focused on the Middle East, when news spread that Pyongyang had long-range missiles capable of hitting the Western United States. Finally, New Yorkers thought, someone else’s turn to stockpile rolls of plastic, duct tape, and double cases of Mr. Pitt’s Moland Spring water.

No matter what he tries, though, Kim Jong-Il just can’t seem to keep the West’s fickle attention. And I have no idea why. We can’t get enough Saddam on our small screens, yet this guy isn’t right up our American alley? He’s absolutely fascinating – formerly a fast-living playboy throwing lavish all-night soirees, he once kidnapped his favorite South Korean actress in order to improve his own country’s cinema. And as the story goes, he gave up his dreams of becoming a film producer when the whole “Vicious Dictator of Rogue Nation” slot vacated. Alas, the fantabulous Mr. Kim still flies under the radar.

Had he at an early age learned to sink a hook shot or crack a monster homerun over the right field bleachers, his quest for attention may have been fulfilled. With the American sports markets completely saturated, Asia has become the new hot spot; and brilliant minds like David Stern and George Steinbrenner are rushing to put China and Japan in play. The game plan is relatively simple: We pluck the best athletes out of their major league systems, and in return, we give their citizens a bunch of Houston Rockets games and a handful of four-hour baseball games. Seems like your mother’s flower garden isn’t the only thing getting hosed.

The Chinese government isn’t necessarily on the losing end of this, though. Yao Ming may very well have divorced his home nation for a younger, wealthier, better-looking spouse, but you know damn well that his crazy ex is taking 50 percent of his net worth. And that’s just what it did; China played hardball with the National Basketball Association and U.S. government, and came away with millions in garnisheed wages and endorsement dollars. I’ve also heard that as a result of another weird “50 percent” stipulation in the contract for Yao’s new MacIntosh commercial, China now has sole custody of Mini Me’s torso and most of his really tiny metatarsals and metacarpals.

Talk about sports fanaticism…More than 100 Japanese reporters made the trek to Tampa for the first intra-squad New York Yankees’ spring training game early last week to see Hideki Matsui don the pinstripes. Their people want to keep tabs on their latest export, much the same way they did with Ichiro the year before. The Japanese are so fanatic about their sports stars, they even put out a million-dollar bounty for a naked picture of Ichiro. I’m telling you, they’re nuts. Silly Japanese and their monetarily ridiculous bounties – it’s no wonder their country has been burdened with significant debt for a decade.

But the craziest part about Asia is the martial arts. I mean, are you a simple-minded stereotyping moron like me? Don’t you just envision the entire continent of Asia as the old school version of the Nintendo classic Kung Fu? Everyone walking around these long hallways, trying to find their kidnapped beloved, jump-kicking bad guys in the face, ducking from thrown knives and fire-breathing dragons, hopping over snakes as you throw a hard right hand at a dude in a flamboyantly purple karate robe? Occasionally you meet up with the challenging Stick Guy or Boomerang Man, and where did all these fucking midgets come from? Ahh, good times.

Martial arts has given us some of the craziest sons-a-bitches on screen through the years, with Jackie Chan dominating the last decade’s flicks. Hasn’t this guy been in America long enough to speak one word of English outside of his scripted zingers? Nothing funnier on God’s green earth than when Jay Leno asks him what it was like to work with Chris Tucker and he responds, “Black man spoon pants thank.” Also good times.

It seems, though, the torch has been passed from Jackie to a rising star – the world’s youth fly with Jet Li. As much as I like the guy, how can you justify this latest collaboration with DMX, Cradle 2 the Grave? Has anyone seen the previews for this thing? While I definitely agree with the commercials that “X gonna give it to ya, X gonna give it to ya,” I haven’t been less excited about a movie since DMX teamed up with Steven Seagal for Exit Wounds.

And what about Taipei? Well, actually, nothing’s really crazy about Taipei, but that word is gold, Jerry, it’s gold. The mere utterance of it makes me smile with glee. Kinda like Laos. Wouldn’t you want to live there for a little while just to say you spent time in Laos? “Yeah, I hung with the Laotians, what of it?”

The Asian Contagion is coming to a town near you. Forewarned be thee says I: Keep a watchful eye on that place, it’s a powder keg waiting for that perfect Bush spark. In the meantime, I’m gonna keep my eye on “Godzilla” Matsuiiiii as he knocks some American League fastballs over the short right porch in the Bronx.

Again, Slade Sohmer shouldn’t be taken seriously. Please just indulge him. He can be reached at sladeny@yahoo.com.

Back to the top of the article