Big paper red hearts decorating every window. Candy-shaped lips. Bouquets of red roses. Helium-filled balloons with sticky sweet messages. Sparkly pink cards with love poems and cliched messages that you didn’t even write—Hallmark did. Sorority house vestibules overflowing with flowers. Oh yes, man-made love is in the air.

What did you do on Valentine’s Day this year? Were you greeted at the door with a dozen roses before dinner, or was it breakfast? Did you get the singing telegram he sent to your chem lab in front of all your classmates who couldn’t decide whether to laugh or coo? Jewelry? Maybe even a large box of chocolates that remains uneaten, for fear that you might gain an actual pound.

Or maybe you’re a guy ... what the hell did you get? Boxers? Most likely, all you got was an empty wallet and a disappointed girlfriend who wanted yellow roses instead of red (and damn well they should want yellow—red is boring).

You guys have it bad. As hard as you might try, you never really will get Valentine’s Day right. Too much build up always ends in disappointment. And really, V-Day is all just one big overblown day. But, it is our hope that after you read this column your days in the Valentine’s Day doghouse will be over…

We’re firm believers that Valentine’s Day should be re-made. Expectations should be modified such that Valentine’s Day becomes a celebration of your love not through material America, but through the creative physical expression of your body. We know, we know, sex is after your dinner and your roses and your cards and your chocolates...

But let’s be honest, it’s just not right to list sex as the last priority of the day. This is the day FOR sex. Sex should surprise you in the morning, creep up on you at the office, and tuck you in tight and snuggly for the night.

This is the day to test your endurance, your artistry … and let’s not forget the power of your love and/or lust. This is the day when the country permits free and uninhibited expression of love.

If only a few minor changes were made, even men could enjoy this day. Now, we’re not suggesting we cut romance out of the picture and turn this most “holy” of days into little more than a personal porno (unless...well, nevermind). Not at all.

We just believe that romance should be forced to take a turn towards the creative. In other words, practice rare forms of body art, make human sundaes, light some candles and take a shower in the dark. Hell, you can even substitute ecstasy for wine and deliver strawberries and chocolate to the bedside.

Oh, and don’t just eat the food, wear it. We even condone covering the bed with rose petals. Do whatever it is you need to do to show your lover you care, but for God’s sake, keep your priorities in order and your clothes on the floor.

But, don’t under any circumstances LEAVE THE BED! Follow that mantra and you should be set. Here are some more ideas for you skeptics and naivetes …

Want to cook dinner for your beloved? Become her personal nakedchef and bring it to her as she relaxes in bed from your last bout.

Decided you want leave flowers on her pillow while she’s at class? Enclose a racy message to get her heart pounding.

Interested in going out for dinner? Leave the underwear at home and rendezvous between courses in the handicap bathroom stall. Or have a quickie in the backseat to work up an appetite. Just keep in mind the true purpose of the day—to express your love. Can you think of a better way to express it?

Yes, girls want to be loved, catered to, pampered and appreciated. But if they don’t already feel this way on a regular basis, you should be lucky to be celebrating Valentine’s Day at all. Show her you care mentally and emotionally another day. This is the day for SEXUAL EXPRESSION.

We are girls. We want to feel special and loved too. But we just want a more original and inventive declaration. You need not woo her with your gifts; you need to woo her with your abilities. If the connection between the two of you is real, the hunger for material proof should wane. And the more carnal hunger should manifest itself in a morning, noon and all-night escapade of lust.

This is where we stand. Granted, one of us woke up on February 15th with her vibrator down her sweatpants. But was it a disappointing evening? “Actually, a lot less so than you would guess. I had half of what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.”

So down with expensive dinners and down with bouquets of red roses! Lovers unite! Raise up your handcuffs and your whipped cream and just get naked for god’s sake!

You have a choice. Either join us and be part of the revolution or stick to your clichéd V-Day routines. It’s the way of the future, so we suggest you at least give it a try. Especially you ladies. Believe us—the men are down.

And if you’re single like us, you too should wake up with your vibrator down your pants.

The ladies who wrote this column would like to remain anonymous. You can reach them at s-keats@northwestern.edu.

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