At around nine o’clock on a Friday night, a big purple bus pulls up to a corner on Michigan Ave. It screeches to a halt, the doors slide open and three people get on.

“Goin’ to Northwestern?” a dark haired student with glasses asks as he walks up the stairs. “Yes sir,” driver Odell Owens replies. The student sits towards the front, but not too close. He immediately pulls out his cell phone and calls a friend to talk about the paper he’s been working on all day at the Law School library, along with studying for the MCATs.

“I’m focusing more on Hitler and Mussolini,” he says into the little black piece of plastic. He continues on, talking about his struggles in analyzing the decision-making stratagem of two of the world’s most infamous genocidal madmen.

Another girl and guy hop on and head straight to the back. They take their seats as Owens takes a walk across the street to the Walgreens. By the time he gets back in the driver’s seat with a fresh bottle of Evian, Joey Northwestern and Suzie Sorority are in the back making out. The bus heads back to campus. They continue making out the whole way home.

Ah, NU’s Chicago Weekend Shuttle.

You may not know it, but Northwestern has a shuttle bus (actually two buses) that runs from campus to downtown Chicago every Friday and Saturday night. It’s actually been running for about three years. If you do know about it, chances are it’s because of all the financial scandal talk in the Daily about a month ago.

ASG Senator Edith Rivera briefly explained to me what all the commotion and hoopla that repeatedly made front page was all about. But after she was done explaining, it was still somewhat confusing and I realized that neither I, nor anyone else, really cares.

Summary: ASG was smacked with a financial misconduct investigation, but post-investigation results found our student government not guilty of squandering away the $30,000-plus allocated to the Chicago Weekend Shuttle.

Although ASG was technically acquitted (all those prostitute purchases are still being looked into, however), in my eyes they are still guilty of wasting away that money (along with the $22,000 allotted to the “new student lawyer”—what?).

In theory, any form of FREE transportation downtown on weekend evenings is a fantastic idea. But, for various reasons that I’ll delve into further in a bit, the shuttle isn’t really used and hasn’t been in all three years of its existence.

So they say, the number of weekend bus goers has been on the climb. “Over Valentine’s Day weekend, we had 200 riders,” says Rivera. “I think the PR has really helped.”

Yeah, 200 is a solid number of people for a weekend I guess. But A) that’s only 50 people per bus, per night; and B) it was a holiday weekend. (Jurors: You are hereby instructed to disregard any evidence of sufficient use of said Chicago shuttle.)

Owens says he’s been getting about 40 or so riders a night, with the other driver reporting similar tallies. “It’s been pretty busy the past couple weeks,” Owens said as he sucked on a lime-green lollipop. But the night I rode shotgun with him, he picked up only about 20. “I guess everyone’s staying home and studying,” Owens said. What he really meant was, “Those lame-ass mother fuckers with their library cards don’t even go out on Friday nights, shit.”

Owens’ implications now remind me of the purpose of this article. Why do people shun the shuttle? Here are five fantastic theories:

1. Lame-Ass School

Like Owens was saying, whether it’s too many papers, too many DM meetings, or just too much suck in general, NU students simply do not go out enough, much less venture downtown. Okay, I understand it’s hard enough to tear yourself away from that ever-so-engaging game of Bond or that thesis you just can’t stop adding sentences to, but I also understand that we are all lazy and apathetic, something they inject into our blood on the first day of New Student Week. But come on people, work with me. The third largest city in the country is sitting there right on the lake, all nice and pretty. But nooooooooo, we want to stay in Evanston and hang out at the 1800 Club. And no, the Deuce doesn’t count as going downtown.

Most of us came to this school because of its proximity to Chicago. If you picked it up and tossed it in the middle of Nebraska, I don’t think we’d all go with it. So, what do you have to say for yourselves? Maybe if everyone stopped being lame-asses, there would be more people on the shuttle and it would actually be worth spending $30,000 a year to run it.

2. Mystery Bus

Okay, maybe I’m wrong and everyone at this school is really cool. So if everyone isn’t socially inept, what else could it be? My second theory is that no one really knows about this mysterious shuttle I speak of.

“I only heard about it when I read about the controversy in the Daily,” said NUcomment writer Katy Rosenberg. An avid downtown partier, Ms. Rosenberg has never made it on the bus and admittedly knows very little about it. “Where does it go?”

ASG is trying ever so desperately to inform the masses about this secretive shuttle, especially since they did, in fact, pour $30,000 into it (did I mention that?). There is a link to it on HereAndNow, along with their new Evanston Restaurant Guide (Annam Cafe—two thumbs up), but students still just don’t seem to be in the know about this magic purple bus.

Also, Campus Relations Chair Joel Richlin is working on having wallet-sized cards printed with all the NU Shuttle schedules on them. If we all know where the shuttles are going and we know what time and where we have to get on them, then maybe we’ll all succumb to a new shuttle culture. Everyone will be riding shuttles everywhere they go! Doubt it.

3. All the Wrong Stops

Even with a card in everyone’s wallet, people still aren’t getting on this damn shuttle. Why?

One reason is that it only makes two stops, one on Michigan Avenue and one in Wrigleyville at Addison and Clark. First of all, that Michigan stop is fairly pointless, unless you are planning on robbing Bloomingdale’s after hours. And Wrigley ... haven’t we had enough of Barleycorn’s and HiTops? Even if we haven’t, we can still stop there. But, what they need to do is add some other venues on the shuttle’s route, like Lincoln Park, Belmont, Fullerton and Clark and Wicker Park.

“It should go to places that people actually party or ‘hang out’,” says Katy. Smaller buses (not 42-seaters) and more stops. Maybe that’ll do it.

4. Convenience

As we get older and more impatient, buses seem less and less appealing. Plus, no one really wants to be on a bus’s schedule; they want to be on their own schedule.

“If I’m going downtown, I’m driving my car,” says senior Tim Dunn. “I want to leave to go downtown when I want to leave and I want to exit the bar at the exact minute I’m ready to go.” Plus, many students without cars or those in no condition to operate a vehicle would still opt to take a taxi rather than a free bus.

5. The Bus Stigma

Which leads me to my next topic: Of all the reasons why people say no to free buses and yes to expensive taxis, the most profound is “the bus stigma.” If there is one thing we all learned in high school, it’s that it’s NOT cool to take the bus. Taking the bus meant you were either too young to drive or you didn’t have any older, cooler friends with Jeep Wranglers.

Whether you want to admit or not, you simply aren’t going to get on that shuttle because it’s just not cool at all to show up in Wrigleyville on a large purple school bus. Bottom line: Most NU students are underage, and if getting off a big purple bus and walking up to a bouncer isn’t a dead giveaway, I don’t know what is. Plus, as 20-somethings, we are all at a stage in our lives where we want to feel older and independent. I can guarantee you that boarding the Barney bus will instead make you feel young and dependent, i.e. lame, i.e. not hot and/or sexy.

The stigma is strong—it’s strong I tell you. And it’s totally subconscious. I bet you had no idea how much it’s been affecting you for years. I say fight the stigma! Ride the shuttle ... or not so much.

Oh and then there’s my own personal reason for not wanting to take the bus ... I have one word for you—vomit. Bus sickness is simply inevitable, and that’s before all the drinking.

With all of that said, unless you need a place to make-out or ASG gets permission to throw a couple kegs in the back of this bad boy, no one is getting on it. Not you, not me, and certainly not that kid over there. Meantime, I say ASG puts that $30,000 into something worthwhile, like the effort to stop world hunger, or maybe even a giant jello wrestling rink right out on the Lakefill near the paddleboats. Okay, forget the paddleboats. But hey, there’s always room for jello.

How do you feel about buses? Express your concerns, s-keats@northwestern.edu.

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