There are only two words to describe this year’s ASG Election—absolutely nuts. Okay two more—utterly embarrassing. So, there are four positions, right? Four candidates ran for president, two for academic vice president, and one each for executive and student services vice president. A runoff for the presidency was clearly in the foreseeable future, since 50 percent of the vote is needed to win. But runoffs for three out of the four positions ... how could that be? Normally, when people run for something unopposed, they win, plain and simple.

But like a bat out of hell, this new guy named Mr. No Confidence stepped into the game wearing tight leather pants, ready to play (this year’s ballot featured a place to check off “no confidence” instead of a real candidate). No Confidence’s basic platform: “I’m not the other guy, so vote for me.” Some other statements seemed to catch on as well, like, “Let’s make that candidate feel real bad,” and “I’m not even a real person.” Apparently, that’s all he had to say to garner 38 percent of the votes in the running for student services vice president, which with write-ins sent unopposed candidate Adam Forsyth back on the ballot for another go against this fictional character (Forsyth garnered 41.5 percent). No Confidence also did a number on academic vice presidential candidate Prajwal Ciryam, sending him back for more, too. (Ciryam 45.7 percent of the vote; No Confidence 20.3; Daniel Broadwell 19.7—now he flat out lost to No Confidence). And after he got done with those two, Mr. N.C. gave executive vice presidential candidate Bryan Tolles quite the scare when he grabbed 29 percent of the vote, leaving Tolles with 51.3 percent, just barely pulling it off.

Post-runoff, NUcomment would like to congratulate Mike Fong (president), Prajwal Ciryam (academic vice president), Bryan Tolles (executive vice president) and Mr. No Confidence because he still beat Forsyth by 313 votes.

Those Krazy Kleptomaniacs

Klepto Case #1:
On Friday night April 11, a Bobb resident had approximately 15 too many shots of Jager and was found violently puking his/her last Sargeant meal throughout the halls. The paramedics were then called onto the scene for a quick stomach pumping session, but while they were at work, a mysterious looking drunk chick, who goes by the pseudonym Nurse Lola, stole a medical bag. The reason is unclear, but see Tool Time to get a better idea. The police locked down the third and fourth floors and wouldn’t let anyone leave until it was found. The bag was finally discovered in a male student’s room and he was arrested, while his roommate slept soundly in the top bunk. As he was escorted out in handcuffs (also see Tool Time), he kept mumbling to himself, “I had a boo-boo.” Nurse Lola was arrested, too. It turns out he and his roommate had nothing to do with it—the dirty nurse had just thrown it in their room. On Saturday morning, a Bobb resident woke up to the sounds of safety personnel, “There were six cop cars and two paramedic/fire vehicles here,” she said. “A little excessive, no?” Apparently, these men take their tools seriously.

Klepto Case #2:

A digital projector was recently stolen from a classroom in the Technological Institute. They have no clues as to who might have taken it, but according to Sgt. Steven Stoeckl of University Police, they know it was taken from a Smart classroom between Tuesday April 8 at 7:50 p.m. and Thursday April 10 at 7:28 p.m., when the crime was reported. Seems to me, they really only need to track down everyone who might have passed through Tech between those two days—cake. Really they can just ask the Smart classroom itself—so damn smart, it should be good for something. If you have any insight into who might have taken it, please write-in to NUcomment. We’re dying to know the identity of this projector pilferer, and more importantly, why?

Renting Wildcat Style

Ah, there really can’t be much that compares to coming back to NU four years after graduation and opening a video store in Norris. Although you’ll never catch those words coming out of my mouth, the alumni-owners of Cat’s Corner Video, the new DVD rental store on the ground floor of Norris, seem to be all about it. The store opened on April 1 with only eight renters for the day. But, despite the slow start, things seem to be picking up a bit, especially with the website in full effect (www.catscornervideo.com) and plans for DVD delivery potentially on the way. Cat’s Corner boasts a 400-movie selection, with plans for more DVDs in the works. They’ve definitely got some hot flicks—Good Morning Vietnam, American Beauty, Apocalypse Now, Chicken Run, etc. And the prices aren’t half bad: new releases cost $3 and older DVDs cost $2.50. Plus, it’s convenient for the weary legged and those without cars. However, the store only rents DVDs, so for those of us still stuck in the year 1999, we have been eliminated from the picture. So why go to Blockbuster, when you can go to Cat’s Corner Video? Maybe for a VHS tape.

Making History at 1800

NUcomment hosted it’s first ever bar night at the 1800 Club on Wednesday April 16, and like everything we do, it was totally hot. The unfortunate part of the whole thing was begging people for donations all night (that’s the only way Tony would let us collect money). What became increasingly clear throughout the evening is how scared people are of donation tables, not to mention the handful of ways to avoid them. There we are, a broke-as-fuck magazine with no funding and people can’t bear to part with their $3. There’s definitely an art to evading the coffee can covered in paper. The first one was the “I’m going to keep my head down and walk by quickly,” not to be confused with the “as I show my ID to the bouncer, I’ll keep my back to them and shimmy by—don’t make eye contact.” Then there was the “oh, let me get a drink first,” which sometimes had an additional, “so I can get some change.” We quickly caught on to that one with a “We have change.” And the classic: “I will on my way out.” Yeah sure, just like the Streetwise guy in front of Osco.

NUcomment's news briefs are grounded in reality, but were written after a 2 a.m. trip to the Deuce, please excuse them.