Deans Goin’ Down and Out

The fact that eight out of 11 Northwestern deans have resigned within the past four years is not unusual, says President Henry Bienen. Especially considering the fast-pace boozing, womanizing lives they lead. The temptation really gets to you after a while and you just start to crumble under it, said one former dean who wishes to remain
anonymous. We reached him at a rehab facility just outside of Westchester, New York. Ahh, those freshmen co-eds, he reminisces. Willing to do anything for a grade change. Mannn, I was up to five Billy Clints a day when I realized I had to make a change. Of course, there was the ya-yo, too. So much ya-yo. Those were the days.

The Sugar Ain’t That Sweet

Some of the original progenitors of hip-hop culture graced Norris' Louis Room on Sunday, May 11th. The infamous Sugarhill Gang played to a crowd of at least 50 hyped-up white kids who had little to no idea who the hell Sugarhill is, but proceeded to dance arhythmically and thrust arms gawkily throughout the 40-minute set nonetheless. Despite questionable Ludacris covers and Milli Vanilli turntable tactics, the Gang still managed to bring that old-school party flava. According to Senior Darcy Smith, "When they played Rapper's Delight, all my booty wanted to do was shake-shake. It's like it had a
mind of its own." Srikanth Reddy, A&O’s director of finance, expressed some concern about recognizing the aging legends when he picked them up at the airport. His fears were allayed, however, when he spotted four guys rocking Sugarhill Gang hats and shirts. Reddy refused to comment any further about details of this hip-hop travesty.

Don’t You Think We’re Aware Already

Campus Crusade for Christ took their act through campus last week, spreading Jesus love all over the land. You guessed it, Jesus Awareness Week. The details of the week are hazy, though – between the coed-naked bible pushing and voodoo dancing, many found themselves lost and confused. Which, by the way, is exactly how they want you. Dizzy and bewildered. It’s at that very moment when your vision turns fuzzy and they quickly convert you into a worker for Christ. This is no innocent awareness week, like Brain Awareness Week or Math Awareness Week, now turned Math Awarness Month. This is war.

Season Finales Bring Summer Syndication

It’s been a humdinger of a year when it comes to television, wouldn’t you say? It’s almost impossible to keep up with it. To start off with, Ruuuu-ben Studdard is the new American Idol, after finally beating the MADD magazine cover boy Clay Aiken. Clay need not worry, he’ll eventually find his way to Broadway, along with all the other great homosexual male singers. On to 24, which left us begging for more. Of course, Jack Bauer dodged death a total of 48 times (at least twice per episode) over the course of the season and managed to save the world from a nuclear bomb, a war, and a White House conspiracy. But in the end, all seemed lost when President Palmer hit the pavement after a deadly handshake with a crazy hot chick. Interestingly enough, a week after the cabinet on 24 invoked the 25th Amendment, sending President Palmer into a windowless room, The West Wing pulled the same stunt. But, in this case the President pulled himself out of office when his daughter is kidnapped. It ends with Bartlet signing the letter temporarily resigning the Presidency and a new President is sworn in. On top of all that, Andrew played his cards right and picked Jen over Kirsten on The Bachelor. May the two actually make such a forced match-up work successfully. And after scaring us all with their multi-colored rubber masks, Mr. Personality came to an end. Hayley wasn’t duped by Chris, the green-masked, motivational speaking hypnotist, and instead fell for the man in silver – Mr. Developer/ Millionaire (who really cares what his name was?). Jack and Will finally slept together on Will & Grace – totally hot – and to wrap it all up, Joey and Rachel finally kissed after NBC teased us with that for a couple months ... and the Friends incest will flourish for just one more season.

These news briefs are based on reality, but for the most part hold very little water and should not be taken seriously. Stookey helped me out this time, so why don’t you send complaints to him: j-stookey@northwestern.edu, or me: s-keats@northwestern.edu.