The Matrix has me. Actually, it had me at hello.

It’s not so much The Movie that spun me into this tailspin of Reloaded-related madness, but rather The Fervor surrounding the blockbuster’s release. Ever since attending a Friday afternoon showing on opening weekend – literally the 10th of 28 screenings at my local theater that day – I’ve been totally swept away by the nation’s outpouring of genuine excitement and unbridled passion. It’s thrilling, really. I haven’t exactly gotten this feeling since audiences lined around the block and left theaters mesmerized when Batman premiered in the summer of 1989.

By Saturday, I was convinced the whole country had seen it. The weekend nightlife featured the usual absurdly expensive drinks and awkward small talk over loud music, but it seemed everybody was glowing about The Matrix. I felt as if all weekend I was jumping in and out of simultaneous conversations about it; either someone had just seen it and loved it, or someone just heard great things and couldn’t wait to go. I truly can’t think of a more discussed topic in a New York bar since the “Piazza is gay” rumors.

It’s flat-out amazing to me that a 150-minute slice of film can generate this kind of buzz and create this level of enthusiasm. Like Star Trek and Star Wars, legions of nerds came dressed in character to enhance their movie-going experience. By no means do I endorse this ridiculous behavior, but here’s one thing I will put my stamp on: Start using the word “matrix” as a verb. Just watched The Shining? “Hey bro, pretty sure I just matrixed in my shorts.” A chick walks by, you wish you can sex her? “Damn, dude, I would matrix the hell out of that girl.” It works, try it. No, matrix it.

The only pockmark on this object of sheer beauty is waiting out the credits for the third installment’s trailer. Apparently the Wachowski Brothers erred during post-production, substituting Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet in lieu of the end credits. Can we now assume that every single resident of the United States and Australia had something to do with the making of this film? I shit you not, I think I saw my name in there. Twice. Didn’t see what the credit was, but I know it scrolled down on the same page as the Mayor of Brisbane, Paul Hogan, some Koala bears, Rue McClanahan, a small town in Maine, and the gaffer.

Got me to thinkin’…So I whipped out my trusty Millennium Edition of “Guinness World Records 2000,” to see if there was a listing for Longest Movie Credits. I found Most Expensive Movie, Biggest Loss, Most Costumes in One Movie, but nothing about end credits. Then I started flipping through this book, and, pardon the segue folks, found some great gems that I just had to share with the public. Call me the town crier of really, really cool world records, if you will, but check out these little fun facts…

Longest Hiccupping Fit: If the Over/Under was set at one month, how many people would honestly take the over? It just so happens, Charles Osbourne of Anthon, Iowa began hiccupping in 1922 and continued until February of 1990. This guy had the hiccups for 68 years. Years, people. Now think about how many times poor Mr. Osbourne blew in and out of a brown paper bag, or the millions of seconds spent holding his breath in vain.

According to the book, he died of a heart attack in 1990 when the one-millionth douche bag jumped out from behind a tree and yelled “Boo,” trying to scare the infliction out of him. Actually I made that up. But the real blurb does continue: “He was unable to find a cure, but was able to live a normal life, marrying twice and fathering eight children.” And if that’s not living the American Dream, I don’t know what it is.

Fastest Three-course Meal: In 1999, Peter Dowdeswell of Northampton, UK, ate a three-course meal in 45 seconds. The meal consisted of a pint of strained oxtail soup, a pound of mashed potatoes, half-pound of tinned baked beans and sausages, and 50 prunes. First of all, that’s fantastic, I tip my hat to this man. But go back and read the contents of his dinner again – what are the odds that he’s going to just annihilate the record for Fastest Three-course Meal Exit from the Digestive Tract? My money’s certainly on Petey D.

Most Arms and Legs on One Person: Rudy Santos of Bacolad City, Philippines, has four arms and three legs. The extra limbs belong to a dead twin lodged in his abdomen. I will openly admit, I have no joke for this. Just an incredibly eerie circumstance.

And I’ll go a step further and admit this, too. Now that I’m officially all over the board in this article, there’s no easy way to conclude with a clever tie-in of the nonsensical babbling above. So I’ll leave you with this…the most times one man has escaped from handcuffs is 1,680, the longest distance at which a man has caught a grape in his mouth is 327 feet, and the most live scorpions eaten by one man in a lifetime is approximately 35,000.

Oh, and go see The Matrix: Reloaded. It’s good.

Slade Sohmer will soon have his own online magazine again, meaning he can spare us of his rants. In the meantime, he’s in bartending school. ... sladeny@yahoo.com.