Let’s face it – despite the efforts of a few dedicated pot smokers here, NU students just don’t love the ganja like kids at, say, Warren Wilson College.

But, what we lack in herb, we make up in motivation. Ask around – most of your friends probably have cozy summer internships lined up at highbrow law firms, engineering companies and media outlets.

After months of hard work trying to land those jobs, we take one day – Dillo Day – to reward ourselves, mostly with a mix of alcohol, live music and assorted drugs.

But wait. I just smoked a big-ol’ joint. I’m supposed to start my internship in a month. What if I get drug tested?

Fear not. You can pass, and here’s how.

To help quash fears, I will personally walk you through the step-by-step process to successfully nail your drug test.

That’s right. I, too, am being tested.

1. Don’t Panic. For folks who puff every day, it could take a whole month of not smoking to clear your body of detectable amounts of THC, the chemical in herb that gets you high. For less frequent smokers, it may take as little as a few days. The point is, drug tests are unavoidable, but also pretty predictable and easily passable. Don’t do anything stupid like order $400 worth of pills or fake urine (with fake penis) and other shit you don’t need from passyourdrugtest.com. If you have three weeks, you can beat one on your own.

2. Clean Up. Most people get duped into buying expensive “detox” products that don’t work. Here’s why they don’t: Pot stays in your system longer than any other drug because THC gets stored in your fat, not your bloodstream. So, although you’ll hear every solution from drinking a gallon of vinegar to popping hundreds of Goldenseal root pills, they won’t help. What you need to do: first, stop smoking. Then, eat healthily. Try to avoid fatty foods – the idea is to shed the fat where the THC is hiding, not to add more layers (yes, that means no late-night BK runs). Make it a point to get to SPAC a couple of days a week from now until the test. Sweating burns fat, so work out then hop in the sauna for a few minutes.

The first three days of not smoking are rough for those of us who smoke daily. I tried distracting myself with overdue reading and midterm papers, but every time I caught a waft of pot smoke coming from down the hall, my eyes welled up. Don’t fret. It does get easier as you go, even though you’ll start a countdown of days until freedom on the Daily crossword puzzle you work on in class.

I cut French fries and Doritos out of my daily lunch- and dinner-time rituals. Over the course of 18 days, I went to SPAC four times for a total of 3.2 miles jogged and about 50 minutes in the sauna.

3. Pack It On. The next two steps are for the week of your drug test. After a good few weeks of burning off your bulge, now you need to add a new, drug-free layer of it. So go nuts – eat Marble Slab ice cream and devour all the red meat you can get your hands on. Mmmmm, meat.

I gladly followed this advice and went back to my usual greasy lunchtime love.

4. Drink Up. The only commercial product I endorse for beating drug tests is the $40 drink you can buy from GNC. It’s not hard to find there – it’s red and called something like “Q Carbo.” Don’t be afraid to ask the salesperson.

After all, it’s the only time you’ve dragged your stoner ass into a GNC – they know your kind and they’re privy to what you’re looking for. Now, without getting into the scientific mumbo-jumbo of this, just know that the drink doesn’t actually flush your system of any drugs.

What it does is allow you to drink a ton of water before the test, without the tester knowing that you’ve tried to dilute your sample. How? It comes jam-packed with vitamin B2, which keeps your pee a healthy yellowish hue no matter how much water your drink.

So, simply follow the instructions: an hour before your test, drink the drink, then throw back three or four tall glasses of water.

As if three weeks of extreme dietary changes without the assistance of pot hasn’t weirded out your body enough, wait till you overhydrate yourself. I went a little overboard on this one and bought four gallons each of cranberry juice and water, which I then consumed one of every day for eight days before my test. This was not intelligent. Keep in mind, all that really matters is the half-gallon or so you drink right before your take your test.

So, I drank the Q Carbo. It tasted fine. Like fruit punch with a kick. Then I refilled the 16-ounce bottle with water five times and chugged them.

5. Go Pee. Try to avoid getting any on your hands, though. That’s pretty embarrassing.

Within 10 minutes of my last sip of water, I was ready to go. I went three times in about 15 minutes, and then I took off for the testing center, which was fortunately only a few blocks away.

The woman behind the counter checked my ID and paperwork, handed me a cup and told me to go at it.

Easy as pie.

I passed. And so will you.

Robbie Cohen is most likely ripping at a bong as we speak. Unfortunately, he’s a fictional character and therefore trying to contact him would prove futile.