Steve Skolnik’s college application reads like an orgy of extracurricular activities - a chaotic soiree of presidencies and treasurerships melt into an apparent essence of perfection. Hours logged analyzing the expression levels of genes as a research analyst, commanding herds of nerds as National Honor Society president, and leading Speedo-clad lads into the chlorine abyss as captain of the varsity swim team - now all ink-laden invoices in Steve’s collective affront against apathy.

We were all Steves at one point. Some of us have since fallen for the dreadfully pleasurable concoction of extravagance and licentiousness. Others have managed to tame the temptations of kegs and joints, the lure Rush and Division.

No matter what path you’re on, you will undoubtedly encounter someone of importance here during your time at NU.

Here’s a quick guide to the big people on campus, and what you need to say if you want stuff out of ‘em. (Don’t expect super-big names like school prez Henry Bienen or football coach Randy Walker - you won’t see them, ever.)

THE GOOD

Who: Adam Williams

What: Editor in Chief, The Daily Northwestern

Irreverent Character Reference: Tony Soprano with a thesaurus.

Why He Made Our List: Spending 50-plus hours a week in The Daily’s Norris newsroom, Williams keeps himself busy putting out the school’s - and the town’s - most widely read publication.  “Anything from reporting to taking photos I’ll do if need be,” said the deity of the printed word. “Generally, though, I am the final say of what goes in our paper. I look at the list of stories for the next day and decide what goes where. Then I let the staff put it together, and I take a final look at things before they go to print.” 

Campbell Roth, a former Daily editorial page editor, recounts Williams’ graceful presence in The Daily’s third-floor compound: “Adam wants to be out in the newsroom, seeing things happen, being a part of the process. He doesn’t think everyone else should be doing the grunt work. That really appeals to struggling editors, reporters who need someone to bounce ideas off of, and even the freshmen who walk in the door for the first time and meet the EIC, right off the bat.”

So what does the punctuation pimp have in store for his 9,000 or so NU and Evanston readers this year? For starters, Williams is serving up a warm slice of the proverbial backhand to supplemental magazine NYOU, kicking it to the curb to hail the arrival of the new entertainmentliscious section called PLAY.

Wrastlin’ with Williams: College students are driven by two essential desires: to see their names in print and to procreate without that nasty little side effect of creation.  So how do you most effectively get Willams’ - or anyone else’s - attention? Take advantage of the power of the pen, Roth suggests. “The best way to reach almost anyone on campus is to write The Daily a provocative letter as soon as you see something that stirs you.”  

Who: Mike Fong

What: President, Associated Student Government (ASG)

Irreverent Character Reference: Che Guevara after hitting the nose candy.

Why He Made Our List: Mike Fong is a lot of things, but he isn’t your student council president. Sure, he wears the pants in student government, and he shoulders the pressures, but you won’t find him planning junior proms or bake sales. He busies himself addressing issues such as hate crimes, campus diversity, and the dilution of student voting efforts.

A testament to the perseverance that secured him a spot in the Class of 2004, no one does a finer job of going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm than Fong.  Fong was slated to sit out the 2002-03 ASG season like a fat girl at prom until he was appointed student services vice president.  This past April, Fong defeated Michael Blake for the position of ASG president despite awful memories of past campaign slogans such as “Let me see that Fong.” 

Even rival candidate Tamara Kagel’s campaign manager, Joel Richlin, could not deny the hard work Fong volunteers to the NU community.  “He’s incredibly genuine,” Richlin said, “and he cares way too much about everything he does.”

Potential stalkers take note: You’ll find Fong working out first thing in the morning for an hour, to keep that “Yeah, I’m the President, and I want a strawberry daiquiri with a giant umbrella” chiseled look.  Fong then reads the Wall Street Journal in a place where he can be seen, if only to appease the aristocratic constituents.  The rest of the day is packed chock full o’ meetings with university administrators and all sorts of other ASG goodness. Like a great politician, he is not without skeletons in his closet: Fong admits to being a recovering Starbucks addict.  And, he joked, “Sometimes I go to class.”

Wrastlin’ with Fong: Chances are the only time you’ll see your dorm senator is when he asks for your vote or asks you to roll him over so he doesn’t choke on his own vomit. Like all men (and some women), said senator promises you the world and doesn’t call in the morning. It’s time to take matters into your own hands.  Much like Williams, the best way to get Fong attentive to the changes you want is to write a letter to The Daily. Even if no one else reads your articulate letter detailing the need to replace the cafeteria staff with members of the sex entertainment industry, someone on ASG is inclined to lend a sympathetic ear in the event that it secures them media attention and your vote in next year’s election.

You can also visit www.asgoracle.net to express your concerns, but you don’t get to see your name in the paper. Boo that, sir, boo that.

THE BAD(ASS)

Who: Mitchell Holzrichter

What: Risk Management Chair, Interfraternity Council (IFC)

Irreverent Character Reference: Lovechild of rogue bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman and your high school guidance counselor.

Why He Made Our List: Remember that guy in high school whose name was always in the paper, who was mentioned in the same breath as Jesus and the deliciousness of Sloppy Joes, whose car would be the first one in the lot and the last to leave at the end of the day?  That’s Holzrichter - one bad-ass mamma-jamma.

Yeah he’s been ASG’s Chief Justice, he holds a seat on the Student Discipline Task Force, and he’s currently IFC’s Risk Management Chair. But more importantly, Holzrichter has a vision for what’s next.  “Over the past year, our community has been challenged by certain university officials, and it’s crucial that we maintain our fight for self-governance,” said Holzrichter, referring to recent crackdowns on Greek organizations.  Holzrichter is hard at work to prove to administrators that a wet environment can provide a safe and fun alternative to off-campus boozin’.  Citing incidents that occur when that sweet, sweet nectar of liquid purity dances amongst the lips of freshmen during New Student Week, Mitch “The Howitzer” Holzrichter says, “[NU’s] alcohol policy on campus is out-of-date and dangerous.  During the first few weeks of the year, freshmen are lured off-campus, to an area that last year saw an increase in violent crime and with which they are not familiar, to parties that are oftentimes out of control.  These parties not only endanger students but damage the relationship between Evanston and NU.”

That’s a pretty lofty statement for the guy in charge of enforcing IFC’s stringent drinking rules. “I have to make sure that being Greek also means being safe, and equally important, that we are self-governing.  The long-term benefits are there if we can maintain a thriving, safe, and self-governing community, but the short-term sometimes involves holding chapters accountable; chapters in which I have close friends and even my own.”

Wrastlin’ with Holzrichter: Your frat just get busted for serving jungle juice at the end of the hall? Holzrichter has some words of wisdom for unruly frattys: Be honest.  “When students are interviewed, they sometimes try to lie their way out, but usually the lies get them caught.  The best thing to do is be honest and be remorseful.  Chapters that have gotten into serious trouble over the past years are chapters that didn’t own up to their actions.”

Who: William Banis 

What: Vice President, Student Affairs

Irreverent Character Reference: John Ashcroft meets Dr. Phil.

Why He Made Our List: As vice president for student affairs, William Banis oversees a vast network of student services.  Most recently, Banis has responded - too softly, critics say - to hate speech written in dorms. Other duties: handling severe violations committed by Greek organizations and planning New Student Week events. If you ever screw up big-time, he’s the guy who gives the official NU quote.

Who: Bruce Lewis 

What: Police Chief, University Police Department

Irreverent Character Reference: One part Tango, two parts Cash.

Why He Made Our List: Lewis is charged with the formidable task of not only policing a college campus, but of educating students on a number of safety issues. Got a pot plant growing in your dorm room? This is the guy you’ll have to answer to. Apparently, student outreach isn’t a top priority: Lewis did not make himself available for an interview despite repeated requests this summer.

Wrastlin’ with Banis & Lewis: If all goes well, you’ll never have to meet either of ‘em.  To ensure you never have the pleasure, Holzrichter has more advice on staying safe and out of trouble.  “Don’t be stupid. Always be able to make it back to your dorm on your own if you have to. Don’t drink yourself into a hospital bed, which is unfortunately more common than most students would think.” Also, Holzrichter said: “Find out what your rights are. There’s a lot of change going on right now at NU in terms of discipline, so make sure your voice is heard.” 

AND THE SNUGGLY-WUGGLY

Who: Al & Seymour

What: WildCARD Swipers, Elder & Allison Dining Halls

Irreverent Character Reference: Nicky & Paris Hilton - except black, aged and with hairnets.

Why They Made Our List: Cultural icons in their respective arenas, Al & Seymour serve a crucial role in the social scene. 

Al is loved and regarded for his ability to memorize students’ names. He even gives each hungry student a personalized greeting.  Many, including this student, who wished to remain anonymous, testify to Al’s power: “One time, Al called this guy by the wrong name, [and Al] was petrified and embarrassed beyond belief.  He almost never forgets a name or a face.”  Al’s presence and commitment to serve with a smile goes above and beyond students’ expectations. He is a daily reminder of the power of hospitality and kindness.

Seymour watches over the Allison Dining Hall, poised to swipe WildCARDs with a speed that is well, reminiscent of a Loyola student reciting basic arithmetic tables.  Nevertheless, Seymour’s steady and skilled swipe affords him an opportunity to interact with each student - asking them questions and offering a smile - before they march off to consume mediocre food.  “Seymour is the only guy who can wear overalls to work and still have all the ladies love him,” said Mitch Soifer, a jealous sophomore. “He’s just always smiling and happy.”

Wrastlin’ with Al & Seymour: Unfortunately, given Al’s tremendous ability to place a name to a face, traditional methods such as name tags and the like prove futile.  In the event that Al does slip, play it cool, and immediately file a petition to legally change your name in over to avoid social suicide.  CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) provides support groups for individuals impacted by any unintended social embarrassment caused by Al.

As for Seymour… never pressure an artist at work.  It took him years to prefect his classic swipe coupled with the inquisitive “How are you?”  Smile, reply, and take a moment to treasure the simplicity, knowing yesterday’s casserole awaits, disguised as today’s stir-fry.

Rumor has it that Al & Seymour may someday combine forces, producing a mass of hospitality that would set the females in a frenzy, further eroding the already dilapidated dating scene. When asked to comment on the possibility of a double-dip of compassion, said sophomore Susana Muñoz: “It would make me hot in the pants.”

Al & Seymour: heaping out three square servings of hospitality, kindness and hotness a day.

Kyle has a crisp $5 for the first person who can define “licentiousness.” E-mail him at k-western@northwestern.edu to claim your prize.