By Michael Feldman

While Amanda J. will vehemently deny that girls fantasize about us during class…well…all right, they probably don’t.

But that doesn’t stop me, and most guys, from thinking we’re the reason why that cute girl ditched her sweatpants and put on makeup for our 10 a.m. class.

Although we usually stop short of writing your names in our notebooks and of drawing you naked, we do think about sex. Usually it’s an innocent thought, something more entertaining than your creepy, stuttering professor. But sometimes it goes farther. Here’s a breakdown of four types of guys in your classes and the methods we employ in hopes of taking you home after Intro to Stats:

The awkward conversation-starter guy. After noticing a girl three days a week, every week, no guy is above the classic, “Hey, aren’t you in my class?” This is the safest route we can take. It’s usually used in a social setting, after some drinkin’, and, even if the girl has no idea who the guy is, she’s usually kind enough to have the obligatory 20-second conversation about how horrible the professor is. This guy’s method is foolproof. That is, until those 20 seconds are over and the conversation quickly becomes all kinds of awkward.

The big-muscles-in-the-back-row guy. Like girls, we go the extra mile to get noticed. For me, this means maybe putting some gel in my hair. But, for the lucky guys and Patten-heads who happen to be stronger than most of us, tight shirts are the essential get-noticed gear. This guy can be found sitting in the back row, alternating between taking notes and admiring his biceps. If seeing our nipples through a thin layer of cotton is the way to girls’ hearts, then I’m shit out of luck. Believe me, if I had any sort of muscles, I, too, would unashamedly sport the youth-small T-shirt.

The pervert guy. Hate to break it to you, girls, but the only reason this guy shows up for class every day is to try to sneak a peek at your panties. Pervert Guy uses those 50 minutes to soak up material for future masturbation sessions. He knows what an obstruction bulky winter coats can be when trying to catch a glimpse at girls underwear, so he positions himself near someone who’s in low-riding jeans or who he suspects to be a regular thong-wearer. Bend forward to get a book out of your bag, and his hawk eyes will descend right to your intersection of lower back and pants. Pervert Guy will usually be staring and fidgeting throughout class. If you spot him, don’t make eye contact, especially if you can’t see both his hands.

The kiss-and-tell guy. This guy has just realized that the girl he hooked up with last weekend is in his class. It’s fairly easy to recognize him, depending on the hotness of the girl. If she’s fine, he’ll be pointing his finger at the girl to show his friends his latest conquest. If not, he’ll be the one holding his head in his hands, overcome with self-hatred for getting so drunk the previous weekend.

Michael Feldman, who swears he isn’t Pervert Guy, can be contacted at m-feldman@northwestern.edu

By Amanda J.

Contrary to what Mike Feldman might want you to believe, the girl who sits next to you in class doesn’t ponder the size of your package when her mind drifts away from the lecture. And we don’t fantasize in discussion section about what you could do to us with that mechanical pencil of yours.

But, don’t get us wrong, we know how much you like it when we nibble on our pen tips. Girls may not daydream about the hornball things that guys do, but we do know how to get your attention and make the most out of limited classroom interactions. Hell, most girls at NU are well on their way to a Bachelor of Science in Classroom Flirtation.

Pay attention, boys. Here’s how we do it:

The puppeteer girl. Women can be manipulative when we want something bad enough. Our webs of informants reach far into your social life, whether you know it or not. If this girl’s interested in you, all you can do is sit back and hope that the background check her friends run on you comes up negative. On the off-chance that your NU social breeding is deemed worthy, you may notice a seat next to her conspicuously empty. Or, maybe she’ll even come right out and ask you for some homework help – at her place. Before you know it, your fantasy turns into reality.

Northwestern Junior High girl. Maybe it’s your boyish charm or playful good looks, but something made this girl forget that she’s no longer in 8^th grade. She knows what you want, and her game of playing hard-to-get is about as obvious to spot as Topenga’s massive lips. She starts by passing notes, then moves up to footsie, and before you know it, you could be back in her dorm room playing spin the bottle. (Just make sure her parents are at a long movie.)

Teacher’s petting girl. She sits in the front row, batting her doe eyes, twirling her long, soft hair. It’s obvious that the only man she’d settle for in the classroom is the one running the show. Hey, it happens. And nothing’s hotter than a forbidden lust.

Dreamer girl. Maybe your smile, swagger and muscles combine to make you an intimidating specimen of hunk. If that’s the case, this girl will probably never garner enough courage to speak to you. If she does, it’ll likely be awkward, and her defense mechanism for the failed venture will be to tell her friends, “He was hot until he opened his mouth.”