| | | Athens 2004:
The Latest in Anti-Terrorism
| | | By Matt Cohlmia
Ahh. There’s nothing quite like kicking back with a gyro and baklava towatch some world class athletic competition. So what if the race is on a time delay andthe gyro is from a Wichita, KS fast food chain? The couch is comfy, my TV screen is bigenough, and I didn’t have to pay for the baklava with friggin’ euros.
This year’s Olympics have been interesting, replete with terrorist paranoia, budget problems, drug scandals, low attendance, and anti-American sentiments wreaking havoc on our glorified games. Despite all this (or as a result?), the 2004 Athens games were absolutely captivating. The ceremonies were spectacular, the competition was fierce, and the good ’ol U.S. of A-thletic prowess came out top dog once again. We even made it through the opening ceremony without getting booed. As Harry Caray once said, “HOLY COW!”
Greece is the smallest country to host the Olympics since Finland in 1952, not to mention the first to deal with a post-9/11 audience. According to the Bush administration, the Olympics were clearly a “deep plum” terrorist threat level event. This highly scary-sounding awareness level (plums are really scary) was instituted after an anonymous CIA intelligence agent thought he may have heard something over a crackled tapped phone conversation from an unknown source that could have indicated that Al-Qaeda terrorists were planning to infect all western athletes withsteroids by doping their protein shakes…or something like that. The Greeks ending up spending over $1.7 billion on security, boosting the already ridiculous price tag to nearly $12 billion. Upon hearing of the huge financial burden of the games, Greek Prime Minister Kostas Karamanlis was reported to have said “xasldkjerjapolos carapalas maltroyathenopolos …Shit.” Translation: “You spent HOW much on this thing?? …Shit.” For all Greece’s mishaps, however, all reports out ofthe heavily indebted country seem to be quite glowing. The buses were on time, thefireworks were pretty, and the Greek people were just as lovable as they were in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Verdict: Greece wins, terrorists lose.
Though Greece insists that no terrorists slipped past their defense, the U.S. is not so sure.Even after the games have ended, American authorities continue to investigate the bizarre events that took place in the men’s basketball competition, insisting that a terrorist conspiracy is to blame, and not that our money hungry pro-ballers who refused to travel cost us the medal.
Lithuania is a country of roughly 3 million people, about the size of the Seattle metro area. This former Soviet republic has suffered from poor economic times over the past decade, controlling an annual budget of only $1.59 billion…LESS than the annual payroll of NBA teams, and they STILL beat us in basketball. How could terrorism NOT be behind their victory?? Granted, Lithuania’s team boasts such international superstars as Sarunas Jasikevicius and Arvydas Macijauskas (a former goat herder, apparently), but we have the Dream Team.
In the history of Olympic basketball, the United States had maintained a torrid winning record of 102-2, taking the gold in 16 of the 18 tournaments ever held. Last time, the U.S. went 8-0, outscoring opponents by an average of 22 points per game. This year, the red, white, and blue managed only a 5-3 record, giving the U.S. more losses in the 2004 games than in every previous Olympic tournament combined. The Gotta be Dreaming Team managed to lose not only to Lithuania, but also to such stellar competition as Argentina and Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico?? It’s the 51st state! That’s the equivalent of the NBA All-Stars losing to Connecticut. The combined annual salaries of our 12 Olympic basketball players is over $500 million, yet they couldn’t hold Puerto Rico under 90 points. You pay me $500 million and I’ll teach a monkey to recite Shakespeare, but the best NBA players managed to let an island smaller than New Hampshire stomp all over their gold medal hopes. The CIA has begun taking fecal samples of our supposed NBA stars, (supposedly looking for traces of protein shakes), but so far test have been inconclusive.
While the Athens games went off without so much as a terroristfart the reason isn’t immediately obvious. This year’s Olympics had one line of defensethat squashed even the most dedicated terrorists. The prevention technique wasn’tpurse searching, video surveillance, or even the heightened police presence. Oh no, they reallybrought out the big guns for this one.
Athens had women’s beach volleyball. These scantily clad and athletically amazing beauties were so captivating, no terrorist could resist their charm. Talented, competitive, and oh-so-attractive, these athletes spiked and high-fived their way into the hearts and minds of viewers everywhere.
In case these competitors weren’t appealing enough, Athens took no chances and called in the cavalry: the first ever official Olympic cheerleading squad. Entrancing potential terrorists in bright orange bikinis, the dance team, called Personal Plus, performed to many Al-Qaeda favorites, such as KC and the Sunshine Band’s That’s the way (Uh-huh Uh-huh) I like it and Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches and Herb. On the sunny beaches of the Saronikos Gulf, Greece had so much female skin showing, any male terrorist within a 300 mile radius flocked to the scene, thus diverting all terrorist activity.
Here’s how it works:
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #1: “By this time tomorrow, we will have doped all of the athletes’ protein shakes with steroids!”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #2: “And we, the most dedicated terrorists, will have somehow furthered our cause by destroying the lives of the infidels!”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #1: “Woah, take a look at these girls!”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #2: “Wow, they’re really talented. And those pom-poms…”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #1: “Boy, would she ever look great in a burqua.”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #2: “Wait, weren’t we supposed to be doing something?”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #1: “Who cares? These girls are great.”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #2: “No kidding. Hey, pass me over a protein shake.”
Al-Qaeda Terrorist #1: “As Harry Caray once said, ‘HOLY COW!’”
For those who missed bikini ball, don’t fret. I’m sure they’ll be replaying it on Spike TV within a month.
After a games like that, I can’t wait for 2008. Not to be outdone, Beijing aims to increase TV ratings (and prevent terrorist attacks, of course), by adapting the classic men’s event of Greco-Roman wrestling into a new fan favorite: women’s mud wrestling. Personal Plus has been asked back for the event, and Budweiser is already clamoring for sponsorship.
This is what world-class athletic competition is all about.
Disclaimer: I apologize if I have offended any of the following:Muslims, women, volleyball players, Allen Iverson fans, Lithuanians, Greeks, Harry Carayfans, Puerto Ricans, cheerleaders, residents of Seattle or Connecticut, or mygirlfriend who is much prettier than the beach volleyball athletes.
To tell Matt Cohlmia how well you can tumble and more, email m-cohlmia@northwestern.edu
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