In his slender black dress pants and brightly colored button down, he enthusiastically glances around the room with an impish smirk. Hes ready for a good time and more than eager to deliver while I break a sweat and adjust awkwardly in my seat. The heat rushing to my face, Im suddenly overwhelmed by hesitation and discomfort. Was this a mistake? Am I in over my head? Wait.lets rewind. Less than a week before, I was standing amidst a sea of comics in Comix Revolution making a purchase for this very moment. I was buying books for class. The covers have women holding hands, posh men in tuxedos lighting each others cigarettes and little ken dolls in Village People-meets-S and M attire. This is not the usual literary landscape for one of my courses, but then again, this really isnt like any course Ive taken. In fact this isnt a topic I know much about. Its US Gay and Lesbian History with Lane Fenrich. Which brings me back to my first day with Fen. Its a rare thing to pass a classroom in the halls of this prestigious academic institution we call Northwestern, and hear words like sodomy, clitoris, fairies, and fags being touted from the lectern. Its hard for me to type those words let alone engage in discussions where thats the vocabulary inventory. So naturally, Im unnerved from the beginning. Call me a prude, call me proper, call me under-exposed, but any way you look at it, this scholastic setting has thrown me for a loop and I feel completely unprepared. So, why the discomfort? Well, let me put it this way. Walking into this room I feel like the minority. More specifically, an IGNORANT minority. I dont know what its like to be gay in America and suddenly I feel like I dont know if I completely agree with what it means to be gay in America. An assertion that punches me right in the face the instant I sat down. Thats NOT me, I DONT think like that. Because up until the start of that lecture, I was pretty comfortable with my black and white world of homo or hetero, it all seemed pretty straightforward to me. And it wasnt that I ever disliked or judged homosexuals. I am for gay marriage and I have embraced all types people my whole life (I grew up with a very PC father, in charge of diversity in the workplace, so go figure), but for an instant, I suddenly felt alarmed and I wasnt quite sure why. And this first timer experience isnt made any easier since Im surrounded by experts, especially the yodas I got sitting behind me. They all sit in a row, theyre all dressed to the nines, and theyre loud and proud. Which is great for them, but somewhat intimidating to me. I feel like an invader in their world. Leading me to the big show. Its not easy to step outside of your comfort zone and throw your inhibitions to the wind. Its not easy to face your judgments. With this class I am doing both. First of all, my experience with courses on sexuality does not exceed the watered down version that is high school health. And unabashedly spewing conversation about all kinds of taboo sexual practices isnt really my scene. Im not all that comfortable reading Cosmo and watching Sex and the City, which is rare for my generation. The discussion of sex has always been a private and personal matter for me. And I guess that really is the issue at hand here. Its not that I have a problem with what it means to be gay or lesbian, but what I am struggling with is the fact that my first in-depth exposure to this lifestyle is saturated in sex. Almost all of our readings concerning the gay male community are dripping in brief dominating and passive encounters where peoples bodies are used as vehicles, a means to a climactic end. This is unsettling for me. Learning about bestiality, blowjobs and pederasty, I feel as if the foundation is as base as it can get. I want more, I need more and I know there is more about this topic outside of the sexual realm. But then again, maybe this is a good thing for me. While it has been more like a giant leap than a step outside my comfort zone, this experience has helped me to grow. It has taught me things about our society that I never really considered and has shaded my world from black and white to gray. So I have made a conscious decision to stay as open minded as I can and take this in. And as soon as I stopped worrying about everything I didnt know or understand, I realized that there were 150 people in that room trying to do the same thing on some level, and in fact they were not the experts I initially branded them to be. So now when I walk into class and settle into my seat, its excitement, not anxiety that defines the moment. Fen looks out into the crowd, raring to go, and now, Im ready to play.     Wanna saturate Mel in sex? Email m-medellin@northwestern.edu