How Dan Gets Things Done Sometime on January 29: "I think I want you two to switch for this issue. Lindsay, you write a sports column.  Dan, you write a sex column.  I think it'll be fun. -m" Screwed. In a manner of speaking. See, I'm a guy. I'm ok talking with other guys about sex. I'm ok thinking about sex, watching sex. Just not really writing about it in a public setting. I don't know how romance novelists do it. It just plain feels awkward typing this stuff out, knowing it's going to be published somewhere. Plus, it's not like sports writing. Now, people will actually KNOW I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. Therefore, I'm doing exactly what you'd expect a guy to do - I'm making a numbered list. Alfred, Lord Tennyson had the 5 stages of mourning-anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Thus, I present to you, lustful readers, the 5 stages of male sexual behavior, as told as mechanically as possible by the damn sports columnist-arousal, insertion, enjoyment, completion, sleep. (Disclaimer: I realized after I wrote this column that it is quite heterosexual in nature, so I must apologize to gay men and women, but I simply don't have the experience to write from a homosexual perspective.) 1. Arousal. I have to include attraction as a subset here, because no matter what your college brain/friends tell you about beer-goggles as a justification, there has to be some level of physical attraction to begin with. Arousal is like a good beginning to a column; you have to suck the audience in before...there can be any other sucking going on. Of course, there are the old standby pick-up lines we've all heard as jokes. Generally conversation works better, but hey, whatever floats your boat. [Insert flirting, dating, sober discussion about whether you two are at the right stage in your relationship for sex]. If all goes well, you're on a bed or floor or kitchen counter someplace (that's if you're sexiled or both have roommates) and things progress from there. 2. Insertion. Again, I realize I'm making a big leap here, but I'm leaving oral sex and other foreplay to your imagination and creativity. There are other Internet sites to help with that sort of thing if you're confused. I know it's all too stereotypical for the sports guy writing the sex column to do this, but whatever. We're moving on. Contrary to what girls may think, the moment of insertion is always accompanied by a tinge of nervousness, no matter if it's your first time with a girl or your 100th. Will it stay hard? Will there be so much sensation that it lasts like 2 minutes? Will the condom be lubricated enough? Will SHE be lubricated enough? Will it even fit? (Although, I mean, can that many other guys really empathize with me on that last one?) (To which my editor has commented: HA. Bullshit.) I'd say this is probably the most thinking guys do during sex, at this one moment. 3. Enjoyment. If all goes well with insertion, and a nice hard solid middle ground is reached, enjoyment should occur on both ends. This is the next obstacle for a man, though-wondering if the girl is really enjoying it, despite what she says. Guys, be tender. Say nice things, and hopefully mean them. It's much more worth it if the emotional component is there. After all, you're enjoying the single most intimate biological act. Most guys know this, and have it in mind. It's almost more added pressure to "be good." This is the "how you use it" part you hear about so much. It's more than just overcompensating. (Then again, I wouldn't know what overcompensating is like...) Fine, I'll stop. Anyway, girls: 1.) Most guys DO care if you have an orgasm too, and 2.) they will always be skeptical because there's not usually any sort of physical evidence that you did. 4. Completion. Goes hand-in-hand with enjoyment, but the culmination thereof. A good position is crucial for this, because there's nothing worse than slipping out starting to finish OUTSIDE. It's like jumping off a ship without a lifejacket... you're all exposed, and a little frantic, with no clue what will happen next. Of course, depending on your level of sexual carefulness, it could also be damn messy. Again, completion is not nearly as worth it unless it's mutual. If she doesn't finish before you do, you better damn well finish her off somehow. Of course, this may involve explaining that it takes on average 90 minutes for a man to achieve full erection again after ejaculation, so it probably has to be manual or oral. But girls, this is an apology: guys are gonna hurry at this point. They'll do their best, but they're tired. They want to... 5. Sleep. This one usually takes a bit too long to get to after sex. The feeling of both satisfaction and exhaustion is enough to make a dude just pass right out. Problem is, a little cuddling can last a long time, and although it's sometimes nice...hm...need an analogy... OK. It's like scoring the winning touchdown with 9 seconds left and having to kick the extra point, go to commercial, kick the ball off, and watch the other offense run one useless play before the coaches can run out on the field and shake hands. (You don't really think I could make it through an entire column without using a sports reference, did you?) Dear readers, I leave you with this. Girls, I hope you're in a cuddling mood. Guys, I hope that you're entirely satisfied, and ready to take a nap. Because really, Im just that good. If you want Dan to prove he doesnt usually skip foreplay, e-mail him at dmarlin713@gmail.com.