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Long bangs rest on the apple of his cheek, his chin marked with just the right amount of stubble. Jeans hugging his ankles, a messenger bag hanging carefully from his shoulder, he adjusts his aviators with one hand and fiddles with his iPod (black, naturally) with the other.
This dude should be sounding familiar, as the alternative kid is a mainstay of any college campus. There's certainly not a shortage of similar students at Northwestern--anyone who attended this year's A&O-sponsored performances by Man Man, Wilco, or Andrew Bird can vouch for that. I certainly see these kids around, mainly because more than a few of my friends certainly fall into this category. Nothing too extreme: we saw Sufjan Stevens in September, we experiment with piercings and tattoos, we wear vintage aviators. One of my good friends Molly has even been known to tie a scarf around her neck in true indie fashion--to which one witty friend of mine asked, "Just back from the kennel?" I, too, am guilty of some alternative behavior: I disparage others for their comparatively shitty taste in music on a daily basis and worship Wes Anderson. Whatever.
But what to call these kids, these flocks of vintage-tee-wearing, RJD2-concert-attending ladies and gents who by the very essence of their being despise labels--especially if that label happens to be emo? But wait...if they aren't emo, then who the hell is? And what the fuck does scene mean?
Here, I set out to clarify the subtle nuances of the subgenres within the alternative crowd. Think of it as a handy guide to labeling those who set out not to be labeled. (Whoops.)
1. The Hipster/Indie Kid
Think Wicker Park, American Apparel ads, pretentiousness.
Loves: pitchforkmedia.com, wine tastings, independent coffee shops, the salvation army, chain-smoking Parliament Lights, name-dropping, Pabst Blue Ribbon, irony, elitism, glasses, Bukowski, Wes Anderson movies, Polaroids, joints
Hates: anything popular, anything commercial, kitsch, Gap, bad grammar, being called emo
Secretly Loves: Starbucks, Urban Outfitters, USweekly, Daddy's credit cards, mixtapes, Mary Kate Olsen, cocaine, the Garden State soundtrack
on the iPod: Peter Bjorn and John, Stars, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Spank Rock, Daft Punk (pre-Discovery, of course)
1b. The Hollywood Scene Kid
Think MySpace, Cory Kennedy, bandanas. Hipster, but with less snobbery and more spending.
Loves: thecobrasnake.com, unwashed hair, artfully chipped nailpolish, vanity, Hollywood, debauchery, metallic bodysuits, excess, dropping ecstasy, ripped tights, DJs, gay bars, Misshapes
Hates: bad lighting in pictures, mornings, poor people, clothes that match
Secretly Loves: Lindsay Lohan, threesomes, Ramen noodles, dive bars
on the iPod: Mickey Avalon, Mark Ronson, anything 80s, Madonna, DJ AM
2. The Emo Kid
Think eyeliner, AFI, melodrama. In other words, punk on estrogen.
Loves: anything black, straight-edge, angst, softcore punk, sensitivity, hackneyed lyrics, Harry Potter, self-pity, inky hair dye, desperation, eyebrow rings, dinosaurs, robots, neon, the letter x, bisexuality
Hates: posers, Mom and Dad, rap music, being called goth, normal camera angles
Secretly Loves: Disney movies, sunshine, JNCO jeans, Ashlee Simpson, Hot Topic, Hello Kitty, autoerotic asphyxiation
on the iPod: Fugazi, My Chemical Romance, The Get-Up Kids, Hawthorne Heights, Fall Out Boy
Hopefully that clears things up a bit. Wouldn't want to make these generally pissed-off kids even more pissed-off by calling them by the wrong names, now would we? I mean, I might listen to Bright Eyes, but I'm not emo.
Seriously. I'm not.
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