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Northwestern touts itself as a tolerant and diverse institution. And unless you hang out exclusively with people of your own nationality, sexuality, religion, or political affiliation, sooner or later you'll find out that there are a hell of a lot of people here that are different from you. Some are more easily spotted than others: skin tone's a dead giveaway, as are the tinfoil hats worn by the Benevolent Luddite Doomsayers' association and that creepy third arm the Rigelian exchange students have. Diversity on campus is an essential thing to the developing mind, and it is always worthwhile to get to know people who are different from you. So in the spirit of fostering a wholesome and diverse community, NUComment is pleased to announce the first three parts of our "Interview with a Minority Student" series. We recently sat down with John "Flintlock" McClintock, a third-generation pirate.
Yarr, Johnny me lad, thankee fer joinin' us
Stop that.
Why?
Because you're perpetuating an ignorant stereotype, that's why. We don't all talk like enraged Scotsmen. That's something pinned on us by the media; it's no different than depicting Asians as saying things like "Me rikee flied lice "
Oh. Sorry. Anyway, John, or should I call you Flintlock?
John's fine.
Alright. Let's start over. John, how would you describe the life of a Northwestern pirate?
Well, first off, we prefer the term 'Buccaneer-Americans'. But yeah, it's not that different from anyone else on campus, really. I go to class, I paint the rock, I play IM sports, and on the weekends I drink and pillage. Pretty standard.
Pillage? Wanna expand on that?
Um. [blushes] Well, it's kind of silly. We can't, you know, go around looting and plundering with impunity anymore, and there's no real thrill to, like, downloading music without paying for it. So most Saturday nights we go to this off-campus house that Sharkbait Nelson has and we break in and steal all his shit, drink his alcohol, and set fire to things. It's all planned in advance, of course - his neighbors know about it, the police know too. We told them it was an important tradition. So anyway Nelson has like this intense windows-and-doors budget, because we manage to break almost all of them every week. The windows are just, like, movie stunt glass, so we're always throwing people through them and stuff. And we go in and trash the place - just the first floor, though; he actually lives upstairs. And we drink all his alcohol, which we've paid for earlier in the week of course. So it's like our ritual pillaging. Some of us think it's kind of silly, but it's important to stay connected to your roots, you know what i mean?
That's awesome. Any chance I can get in on that?
Uh, I doubt it. Unless you're like at least a quarter pirate, and you keep the traditions and stuff. Sure, what with these grogsploitation movies coming out everyone wants to be a pirate, but I mean just like half the country claims they're a quarter Cherokee, not everyone who says they're a pirate is one. It's as much about traditions as it is blood, but the blood is important too. Like my dad says, "If yer blood ain't half seasalt and half grog, yer a worthless landlubber." Uh. He's kind of conservative.
Sounds like it. Traditions?
You know, grog and hardtack and salt beef a few times a month, Talk Like a Pirate Day, reunions. My dad's really into model ships, tall-masters and such. He's, uh, not really allowed in bodies of water larger than a swimming pool anymore. A lot of the guys practice swordplay, rope climbing, sailing in general. Some of the girls, too, obviously. And we wear the garb sometimes. Formal occasions, ship dedications, swap meets. Or when we just want to announce to the world, "I'm a pirate Hide yer booze, yer women, an' yer valuables " It's fun. But there's no like pirate garb store, you know? You gotta steal your outfit piece by piece. Although to be frank most of us just go to Salvation Army anymore. A pirate's outfit, you know, it defines him. It's like a tattoo or something. Or clown's face makeup. But it's more of a national costume than an authentic representation of our day-to-day wear. Just like German kids don't wear lederhosen every day.
Talk Like A Pirate Day isn't just pirates, though. And didn't you yell at me earlier for talking like one?
Well yeah. That's a day where we just sort of revel in the stereotypes. Taking them back, you know. And it is fun. We can say it, but you can't, kind of thing. And, you know, to us it's tradition. To you it's just a joke. And there's the embarrassment factor. A lot of the younger generation get uncomfortable, see the traditions as old-fashioned. Like when Granddad insists on killing the Thanksgiving turkey himself with a cutlass. And dad videotapes. And trying to be understood at like the video store or grocery while talking full-on like an old timer, well, it's just awkward. But almost everyone participates in the traditions anyway, at least the important ones. The first keelhauling, you know, that kind of thing. It's kind of like a bar mitzvah. Big Jimmy Silverstein had both, though. It's not like a replacement.
You mentioned 'grogsploitation' earlier. What did you mean by that?
Exactly what it sounds like, man. Anything that exploits pirate stereotypes. Pirates of the Caribbean, with Johnny Depp, that's the movie I meant, obviously. Sure, it glorifies certain aspects of our heritage, like plundering, drinking, and violence, but it also depicts us as having questionable hygiene and stuff. I shower every day. And obviously there's a few of us at Northwestern, so we're not illiterate slobs, either. At least not anymore. And one thing those movies don't really touch on is that realities on a pirate ship weren't always fun and games. Do you like maggots in your bread, which is moldy and hard as a rock, by the way? How about keelhauling? Sure, we do the First Keelhauling, but it's just a tradition. You're tied to two long ropes and dragged widthwise across the underside of the boat. But the boats we use are usually just rowboats in somebody's swimming pool or backyard pond, you know? And nobody drowns; there's lifeguards and stuff. Real keelhauling, now, that wasn't fun at all. People died all the time. Barnacles cut you, you could drown, or get impaled on some shiver of wood. And that's without the possibility of sharks and hypothermia and stuff. Yikes. Not to mention the flogging. Although, I hasten to add, sailors in the navies or on merchant ships were treated much worse - at least pirates have always been free men. And women, I guess, nowadays. We're luckier now, no matter what the old folks say.
So it's something you do to keep connected with your roots, rather than a viable lifestyle option these days, is that what you're saying?
Basically. Uh. Some people still go into the business, but it's just not the same. Most of us younger folks are doing normal jobs, albeit reluctantly.
But don't the movies at least draw attention to Buccaneer-Americans?
What they're mostly drawing attention to is themselves, to the whole parody pirate thing. But there have been a bunch of articles with the whole "real pirates live " thing that got tired years ago. We mostly exist in peoples' minds as stereotypes, which is unfortunate, or as a derogatory term for people who download stuff without paying for it, which is offensive.
Thanks for taking the time to talk to us, Flintlock. Yarr-AUGH!
[Ed. note: Our interviewer is being treated at Northwestern Memorial Hospital for a large cutlass wound to the midsection. He is expected to make a full recovery.]
Interview With A Vampire
So, Ivan, you're a vampi-AUGH!
Interview With A Ninja
So, Yoshi, you're a ninja. . . hey, where'd you -AUGH!!
Nathan Edwards' grandfather pillaged your grandfather's coastal settlement. Berate him at nathanedwards2007@u.northwestern.edu.
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